CONSIDER: Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991)

I couldn't help it. The Beastmaster offered up such treasure, that I went back to the well to see what happened next.

He gets a rude awakening from 1991 - or as the soundtrack would suggest, quite possible 1985 when a spoiled daughter of a California senator crashes into his alternate reality and then vice versa.

Oh, it gets real, people. Super real.

 The main villain this go around is The Beastmaster's brother himself. A man with a 90s bass player's ponytail and a Lady Gaga look that was way ahead of its time.

He's also got a little sidekick with him - she's a witch and enjoys wrapping herself in drapery.

Her big selling point for employment with him (she's aiming for queen, but he's considering other candidates) is that she's discovered a portal into 1990sish Los Angeles.

You just put your hand in front of it and its like you're touching a green screen.

As sort of an added bonus, she casually mentions that 1990s L.A. has things like detonators and he should get one. He's totally onboard without actually knowing what one is and that's what kicks our story off.

You'll be happy to know our Beastmaster is back and holds a face that looks like he's trying to do simple math.

Enter our heroine. Spoiled LA girl (which one isn't, amirite?) and she gets transported to another dimension while saying witty things like, "Where's the car club when you need it?" "How close am I to the beach?" She's a treasure.

They meet and it tries so hard for hilarity, which sadly is not this movie's only point of failure.

Through events that really and truly don't matter, the action gets relocated in 90sish L.A. and our girl is forced to take the villains shopping.

Feel free to read that sentence over and over. Its not going to make more sense.

She takes them shopping and Beastmaster's brother is talked into trying on a suit by a fake French accented salesman.

At some point the discussion of virgins came up. It was really uncomfortable.

I've never been involved in a criminal investigation here in Los Angeles, but I'd like to think that when one happens, the head detective looks around at the damage, hears about a possibly homicidal maniac, shrugs and goes, "I'll write up some paperwork for Monday."

Dar's brother has a neat trick that's not in anyway ripped off from Spock that involves mind melding.  He simply transfers any knowledge someone might have by forcing his fingers deep into someone's face.

So its totally different and if you say otherwise, well, you're just a hater.

With this completely original technique that has never been seen before in a movie or tv series, Dar's brother learns that there's a bomb hidden at a military facility somewhere in the larger Los Angeles area.

 We're then given a visual treat of watching Dar learn what rock and roll is (editors correction: bad rock and roll is) and how to say the word "asshole". And then he eats most of a deli tray. I'm choosing not to show that part.

Look at these two - they know more than you ever will.

So our villains disguise themselves as ineffective military personnel and steal a detonator from even more ineffective military personnel.  Which just led me to wonder what we're actually doing with all that military spending every year, and why really bad movies have this as a thematic element.

It was a little like a sitcom in training:

"Honey, where's my fake mustache for our military encampment heist?"

"I thought that was your mom's!"

End scene. (didn't actually happen, but this movie makes you daydream about things you'd rather be seeing)

Which leads us to the final scene...

Because Dar doesn't know how to do anything on his own, he forces animals to once again, do all of his dirty work, which is them telling him that his brother is hiding out at the L.A. Zoo. 

And then a laser light show starts, so naturally this music video battle without the music begins.

Powers are quite the match up as Dar commands his killer ferrets to once again kill for him. Its been two movies now and The Beastmaster really has lived up to his name but failed on all fronts as a action hero.

Speaking of which...

It comes time for goodbyes (time portals aren't always hanging around hoping people will jump through them after all) when there's a really awkward exchange where a spunky Cali teen asks out grizzled and moist Beastmaster on a date for the next time he's in town.

He gently turns her down but gives her the best consolation prize of them all...

She's keeping the ferrets, which honestly, is so much better than learning what a relationship with the Beastmaster would hold...

(Spoiler alert: Telling you what you think and ordering you to do all of his dirty work.)

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: The Beastmaster (1982)

Well then...

I think I saw this a long time ago, far far away, but I ran into it again and realized that this movie was really not for children's eyes. Or really anyone who has eyes.

Imagine if you will, a Game of Thrones episode where the men are just as topless as the women. Or a really bad 80s hair metal music video.  Maybe a live action He-Man episode with a strict budget that allows only for chest grease and cardboard sets.  Whatever you imagine, be sure to include lots of scenes of men in loin clothes rolling around on the ground together and Rip Torn in pigtails and bad teeth.

Not sure what the movie's about? Well, The Beastmaster is about a man who masters beasts.

Let me explain. A slack jawed guy named Cletus Dar is born from a prophecy or magic or something and given the gift of being able to communicate with animals. Bran Stark could only dream of being so lucky.

This was the first thing he saw. I don't care who you are or where you come from, that's just cruel.

Dr. Doolittle Dar enters adulthood fighting a guy with a hat that I refuse to believe was ever in style whether in this dimension or the next.

Sometimes you seek out change. Sometimes change seeks you out. Sometimes your village gets burned down by guys in weird bat wing hats and that's when you know that its time to move on with your life.

 Know what Game of Thrones is missing? These two...

 I'd like to take a moment to point out this film's breakout performances. Which is these two ferrets, shown here rescuing our hero from some quicksand.

Frankly, if our hero didn't make it and the movie turned out to be about two ferrets who go on adventures and save kids from being sacrificed by evil wizards, I'd be all about it.

Sadly, we don't always get what we want in this world.

Seriously, just call this movie The Ferretmaster. Can someone please convince George R.R. Martin to write these into his series?

Let me pinpoint where Dar, as a hero and Beastmaster does not work.  He may be a man of action, but simple objects seem to flummox him. Like shiny objects. You will watch him stare at shiny things like swords and jewelry with a blank look that will make you wonder why people feel compelled to follow him at all.

Speaking of which...

I chose not to post a screenshot of our love interest topless because I refuse to contribute to the needless gawking at naked women that our hero does. Its bad enough they clothed her in cheesecloth and kept dousing her with water throughout the whole movie.

This is how these two met: He watched her bathe, then waited until she came out of the water. He grabbed her then forced her to kiss him. The ultimate of meet cutes.

Meanwhile, they move to another part of the desert where they make their pyramids out of Styrofoam, which is enough reason for people to sacrifice their kids.

Don't worry.  Prehistoric Dr. Doolittle doesn't physically intervene, just passes off the hard work on a nearby hawk to come to the rescue.

I had no idea that the guy from Coming to America and Family Matters was in this.  Frankly, if I was a ferret, I'd follow this guy around in a heartbeat.

Gordy Howard, the weatherman on the Mary Tyler Moore Show? Why isn't he the Beastmaster?

And back to the action where Fantasy Cletus, the Slack Jawed Yokel runs and relies on coincidence to save the day. Either that or lets his animal slaves do all the work.

"And while you're flying around, can you bring me another leather strap to cover my nipple? 'K thanks."

"Remember how we met? You strong armed me while I was half naked and didn't bother to ask my name until I started crying."

So much intensity in the mouth - but nothing behind the eyes.  Also, not a big fan of men wearing headbands. What are you, a college co-ed headed to Coachella?

Best actors in the whole movie. Nothing but chemistry.

We're told these two are falling in love, but its not entirely obvious.  I'm not convinced they actually know each other.

The guy doesn't even open doors for himself. Not sure why he's the hero.

"Anyone got a light wrap? Kind of chilly up here."

Lets check back in with the villain who's had a surprising little amount of screentime.  Sure he gets talked about, people seem genuinely intimidated by him, and most of the action revolves around his antics, but he's not seen much. Which is a shame, because I think he's the first movie villain I've ever seen with adorable braids.

And here's the climactic scene where our villain is defeated. Does our hero bravely swing his sword and outwit him?

Kind of...

 

He does fight  Rip Torn henchman, while Rip Torn drunkenly holds a child.

Our Beastmaster assumes everythings good and walks away.

Pauses, to take in the view then...

Sends a killer ferret to do it.

To recap, our brave hero hides during battles, harrasses women in trouble and sends animals to do his dirty work.  Hero worthy? Maybe for the 80s

That being said, its not like the filmmakers let this be the definitive statement for our hero's ambitions.  We were gifted with a sequel....

He comes to the 80s...where apparently a tiger does all of his dirty work.

No word on if these two made the trip or they branched out to form their own heroic crime syndicate...