FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: STEEL (1997)

Today's entry is sort of a bonus round. We hit 1000 likes on Facebook and we've now entered the big summer tentpole season, which if you're a film lover like myself, means its the best three months you could ask for. This weekend X-Men: Days of Future Past opens, so I crawled into the bad movie archives to see what I could find that would match this kind of excitement level. And lo...a treasure fell in my lap.

Steel, which I just learned (thank you, Wikipedia) is based off a DC Comics title and stars Shaq. People criticize DC in the often heated DC vs Marvel debate, for not expanding the universe to include more characters and just not trying altogether.

According to this snippet from a LA Times reviewer, its a "...entertaining good vs evil movie".  A review that vague HAS to mean something.

There was even a line of action figures that were released:

Watch the trailer - you can't say that DC hasn't tried to shake things up in the past.

They tried, people. They have tried. You don't see Marvel stepping out of the box and doing these kinds of ballsy moves. Espescially heroes trying to make a long tired MC Hammer catchphrase work.

As a disclaimer, it should be noted this movie is criminally not available on Netflix Streaming. So I had to YouTube this experience. Your move, Netflix.

Here's your synopsis.

Nothing ever bad's going to happen to us, right?

Shaq is in the military and meets up with Judd Hirsch who makes high tech weapons for the military (I'm going to assume this movie exists in the Breakfast Club universe, where Bender got his act together and refocused his bitterness into government work).

"So we do a sequel to the Breakfast Club, except its at lunchtime."

 There's a weapons testing incident that goes wrong (spoiler: its Bender's fault) which leaves Shaq's best female friend in a wheelchair and Shaq with an axe to grind.

You have to hand it to Shaq. He was really trying here. Emoting is hard, people.

 Judd Hirsch is impressed.

"So I was watching Iron Man in the waiting room and I got an idea..."

 She really is the all star player in this movie. She spent the entire time staring at a computer screen, which is what I do all day. So she's relateable.

Yep. I'm doing this RIGHT NOW.

 

They team up and automatically become a lower budget Batman and Oracle, somewhere in Los Angeles. 

Also, this movie would like to remind you that you have watched better superheroes do better things. Thank you.

Like a low budget Batman, they create what is likely the world's worst superhero outfit.

Yes, that's a hammer. Its also a gun. Take that, Batman.

Since you don't let things like this just go wasted, they hit the town and break up a a mugging, where some criminals are using Judd Hirsch's designs. Before he can make the connection that he's not only a low rent Batman, but a lower rent Iron Man, Shaq goes to jail. Because...miscommunication. I think.

In the meantime, Judd's busy. He's making bank selling high tech stuff. I imagine John Bender from Breakfast Club going back to the Bender house on Christmas and telling his father to smoke up.

 When it comes down to it, he's just very hollow inside.

Shaq's still in prison though. Since he is a superhero in the sense that he depends on others and unbelievable amounts of coincidence, he breaks out and goes looking for our villain and a really big stupid final battle.

Its like Robocop but the machines are better actors (Heeeeeeyyyyoooo....)

 Shaq is a internationally known athlete. He does not run or jump or do anything more active than trudge around and light things on fire.  Granted, his suit is made of steel (Get it? Like the name?), but that's got to be way too cumbersome.  Let me know when they change both the suit and the name to something like Aluminum.

 He's 7'1" walking around the dark streets of L.A. with a giant hammer. Chances are, he doesn't really need a suit to be intimidating.

This might not have happened if he had a big awkward heavy suit making movement harder than it should be.

The main issue with Shaq's costume is that it looks like he has a constant case of astigmatism going on.

Try as he might, he's just not Batman. But despite the bare minimal requirements for being a superhero, he still defeats Judd Hirsch and all is right with the world.

After all, Batman never had a outdoor barbeque thrown in his honor. So points for Shaq.

CONSIDER: Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991)

I couldn't help it. The Beastmaster offered up such treasure, that I went back to the well to see what happened next.

He gets a rude awakening from 1991 - or as the soundtrack would suggest, quite possible 1985 when a spoiled daughter of a California senator crashes into his alternate reality and then vice versa.

Oh, it gets real, people. Super real.

 The main villain this go around is The Beastmaster's brother himself. A man with a 90s bass player's ponytail and a Lady Gaga look that was way ahead of its time.

He's also got a little sidekick with him - she's a witch and enjoys wrapping herself in drapery.

Her big selling point for employment with him (she's aiming for queen, but he's considering other candidates) is that she's discovered a portal into 1990sish Los Angeles.

You just put your hand in front of it and its like you're touching a green screen.

As sort of an added bonus, she casually mentions that 1990s L.A. has things like detonators and he should get one. He's totally onboard without actually knowing what one is and that's what kicks our story off.

You'll be happy to know our Beastmaster is back and holds a face that looks like he's trying to do simple math.

Enter our heroine. Spoiled LA girl (which one isn't, amirite?) and she gets transported to another dimension while saying witty things like, "Where's the car club when you need it?" "How close am I to the beach?" She's a treasure.

They meet and it tries so hard for hilarity, which sadly is not this movie's only point of failure.

Through events that really and truly don't matter, the action gets relocated in 90sish L.A. and our girl is forced to take the villains shopping.

Feel free to read that sentence over and over. Its not going to make more sense.

She takes them shopping and Beastmaster's brother is talked into trying on a suit by a fake French accented salesman.

At some point the discussion of virgins came up. It was really uncomfortable.

I've never been involved in a criminal investigation here in Los Angeles, but I'd like to think that when one happens, the head detective looks around at the damage, hears about a possibly homicidal maniac, shrugs and goes, "I'll write up some paperwork for Monday."

Dar's brother has a neat trick that's not in anyway ripped off from Spock that involves mind melding.  He simply transfers any knowledge someone might have by forcing his fingers deep into someone's face.

So its totally different and if you say otherwise, well, you're just a hater.

With this completely original technique that has never been seen before in a movie or tv series, Dar's brother learns that there's a bomb hidden at a military facility somewhere in the larger Los Angeles area.

 We're then given a visual treat of watching Dar learn what rock and roll is (editors correction: bad rock and roll is) and how to say the word "asshole". And then he eats most of a deli tray. I'm choosing not to show that part.

Look at these two - they know more than you ever will.

So our villains disguise themselves as ineffective military personnel and steal a detonator from even more ineffective military personnel.  Which just led me to wonder what we're actually doing with all that military spending every year, and why really bad movies have this as a thematic element.

It was a little like a sitcom in training:

"Honey, where's my fake mustache for our military encampment heist?"

"I thought that was your mom's!"

End scene. (didn't actually happen, but this movie makes you daydream about things you'd rather be seeing)

Which leads us to the final scene...

Because Dar doesn't know how to do anything on his own, he forces animals to once again, do all of his dirty work, which is them telling him that his brother is hiding out at the L.A. Zoo. 

And then a laser light show starts, so naturally this music video battle without the music begins.

Powers are quite the match up as Dar commands his killer ferrets to once again kill for him. Its been two movies now and The Beastmaster really has lived up to his name but failed on all fronts as a action hero.

Speaking of which...

It comes time for goodbyes (time portals aren't always hanging around hoping people will jump through them after all) when there's a really awkward exchange where a spunky Cali teen asks out grizzled and moist Beastmaster on a date for the next time he's in town.

He gently turns her down but gives her the best consolation prize of them all...

She's keeping the ferrets, which honestly, is so much better than learning what a relationship with the Beastmaster would hold...

(Spoiler alert: Telling you what you think and ordering you to do all of his dirty work.)