I think I saw this a long time ago, far far away, but I ran into it again and realized that this movie was really not for children's eyes. Or really anyone who has eyes.
Imagine if you will, a Game of Thrones episode where the men are just as topless as the women. Or a really bad 80s hair metal music video. Maybe a live action He-Man episode with a strict budget that allows only for chest grease and cardboard sets. Whatever you imagine, be sure to include lots of scenes of men in loin clothes rolling around on the ground together and Rip Torn in pigtails and bad teeth.
Not sure what the movie's about? Well, The Beastmaster is about a man who masters beasts.
Let me explain. A slack jawed guy named
Sadly, we don't always get what we want in this world.
Speaking of which...
I chose not to post a screenshot of our love interest topless because I refuse to contribute to the needless gawking at naked women that our hero does. Its bad enough they clothed her in cheesecloth and kept dousing her with water throughout the whole movie.
Don't worry. Prehistoric Dr. Doolittle doesn't physically intervene, just passes off the hard work on a nearby hawk to come to the rescue.
Best actors in the whole movie. Nothing but chemistry.
And here's the climactic scene where our villain is defeated. Does our hero bravely swing his sword and outwit him?
Our Beastmaster assumes everythings good and walks away.
Pauses, to take in the view then...
To recap, our brave hero hides during battles, harrasses women in trouble and sends animals to do his dirty work. Hero worthy? Maybe for the 80s
That being said, its not like the filmmakers let this be the definitive statement for our hero's ambitions. We were gifted with a sequel....
He comes to the 80s...where apparently a tiger does all of his dirty work.
No word on if these two made the trip or they branched out to form their own heroic crime syndicate...