TOP FIVE: A Exploration of David Spade

I set off to write about David Spade’s 1999 movie Lost and Found, because I am an unabashed David Spade fan and I completely bought that he could date both strippers and French cello players. And run a restaurant.  And be a reluctant mentor to Artie Lange. There is nothing my David cannot do, and I won’t be convinced otherwise. Until I tried to watch Lost and Found again, because that movie does not hold up well. You know what? I am undeterred in my belief that David Spade is an underappreciated thespian who, if the world were fair, might end up being my third husband. I present to you, a top 5 list of movies (NOT including 1995’s Tommy Boy, because that’s obvious and we aren’t lazy) where David Spade is perfectly enjoyable:

1.      1.Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987) – This is David’s first acting credit, and at the tender age of 23 he simply sparkles as Kyle, a troublemaking skateboarder who is recruited to be one of the aforementioned “Citizens on Patrol.” Look at his hair flipped in full 80s/Farrah Fawcett glory.  Fun trivia fact: Tony Hawk was fired from being David’s skateboarding stunt double because he was too tall. So much charisma in such a small package.

1.       Reality Bites (1994) – I know what you’re thinking – “wait, was he even in that?” The answer is yes, uncredited in one scene. True, it’s not exactly a David Spade vehicle, so much as an amuse-bouche of the charming sarcasm that he would come to be known for. As the Manager of a well-known hotdog chain, David puts Winona Ryder in her place. You can tell she thinks she is too good for the job, and his witty banter quickly lets her know that her degree in Media Studies is as worthless as we all know it is. I’m also left wondering about this character. What are the hopes and dreams of this hot dog vendor Manager? That’s a movie, and a classically American story, I’d like to see.

1.       The Emperor’s New Groove (2000)  - Yeah, I was 19 and saw this cartoon in the theater just because David Spade was the star. Maybe you’re the one who needs to find something better to do with her life.  There’s not a lot of story here: Emperor wants to build a waterslide on peasant’s house. Ertha Kitt turns Emperor into a llama. Peasant helps turn him back into an Emperor, and the waterslide gets build on the next hill over. I’m going to dock points because this film obviously lacks historical accuracy, but playwright David Mamet has said he considers the script for this film to be one of the most brilliantly innovative which Hollywood has produced in recent years. You be the judge.  

1.       Joe Dirt (2001) – I like this film, because Spade veers off the well-worn road of biting sarcasm into naked earnestness. His mullet is visually stunning, and David Spade and Fred Wolf are master wordsmiths. This film holds up, and teaches a few lessons along the way. Life’s a garden, dig it? You can’t have no in your heart. 

1.       Hotel Transylvania 2 (2015) – Why Hotel Transylvania 2? Because Netflix doesn’t think it’s necessary that I see the original, so this is all I’ve got. It’s another ensemble movie, but there’s just enough David Spade sprinkled in that when my kid insists on watching in for the 300^th time, I’m game. He plays the invisible man, so he has only his voice to convey the depth of his character.

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MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS (1995)

I was snarky teenager when the Power Rangers first came out, so their appeal was lost on me and therefore never bothered to learn more. However, they've been rebooted and there's a new movie coming out this weekend, so I thought I would try to be open minded and figure out what the kids were so keen on.

First of all, I understand that the show and subsequently, this movie were not made with the word "quality" on people's minds. I work for a major studio and I know the meaning of the word "cash grab" when I see it. I understand that there were budget constraints and that kids can have terrible taste in things, so concepts like "special effects" and "acting" and "plot" tend to not be priorities in a project like this.

It should also be pointed out that this movie was released in July of 1995, being the cornerstone tentpole for 20th Century Fox. Seems they could have released the purse strings a little more, but whats done is done.

So right away, this movie opens with a Star Wars-esque crawl to clear up any confusion that someone like myself might have about the Power Rangers and how this whole story universe works.

I read this thing about three times and I still have no idea what its talking about. Also, why is Alpha 5 seeking out teenagers? Technically, you hit the peak of your health and strength when you're in your twenties or thirties. Are they teenagers in the legal sense where they've finished their high school requirement and are able to emancipate themselves from parental guardianship? Because none of these things were answered and I'm going to have issues with a bunch of teens who are forced into fighting life threatening wars and still aren't able to vote in their own planet.

And here's how we meet the Power Rangers. They're skydiving doing the first of many extreme sports that has absolutely nothing to do with the story. Its not really even character development either. I guess its just to rub it in my face that they're teenagers and have the ability to be out past ten p.m.

So the movie introduced us to this story line of a father and his son who's super ashamed of him because he can't do extreme sports. I was expecting Dad to redeem himself at some point. I should have been prepared for disappointment.

Another issue this movie has is everyone is told to be the comic relief in this film. If it was a intentional comedy then okay - everyone brings their own special gifts to the table. But its all the same sarcasm, and everyone's trying to be louder than the other.

Again, I realize there's fault in searching for logic in a Power Rangers story, but these construction workers found a giant purple egg hidden mere feet under the ground they just demolished. I can't ignore this. I just can't.

Okay, so they've been hired by a weird Wizard of Oz type mentor who's only other employee is this robotic Black Manta who's clearly about to snap at any minute, given that they (I have no idea if its a he or she) have no control over their motor skills.

This is actually the only character in this movie that did not feel the need to crack jokes. And there was sadly not enough of him.

This purple thing came out of the egg and made a lot of jokes usually at the expense of others and had an upsettingly obscene beard. He has a plan - and it involves something with ooze and creating weird monkey and crow soldiers to harass the Power Rangers. He was also very clear on first he controls Angel City and then the world, which also seemed short sighted. Its not a well explained plan which makes me think he didn't really work out all the details. He was suspended for 6000 years. There was no excuse for that kind of sloppiness.

There's a fight scene with said crow army and I have a serious complaint against the Power Rangers.

They spend so much strength and time gearing up for combat by doing back flips, spinning around and random dance moves. Had they ever read The Art of War, they would know the key to defeating your enemy is to wear them out before you.

Watching these obvious actors in crow suits made me wonder exactly how many of them have been classically trained on stage.

Here's something else I noticed about the production value of a Power Rangers movie. You can film it anywhere. An abandoned construction site, a parking garage or an old cheese factory - its up to you.

The Ooze master steals their powers somehow ( it involved ooze) and they decide to leave Earth and look for them back. They were doing what they were told, no questions asked, which made me wonder if they were actually teenagers after all.

They actually had to walk. No extreme sports in getting from point A to point B.

And now something for the adults...

I really couldn't tell you what this woman's purpose was. She fought the alien crows but spinning sticks around and gave them directions.

They fought a skeleton Triceratops, which seemed kind of pointless. If he eats you, you just slide out and try again.

And because they so dutifully obeyed instructions, took apart a skeleton, they got to stand around a fire, and get new ninja outfits as well as a second set of spirit animals (why do they get more than one? )

Hey, remember that father who will never earn the respect of his son?  Well, he touched some free ooze and became brainwashed.

So while the Rangers are gone, the Ooze Master is now a foreman who enjoys sitting in the sun and barking at his employees, which are just hypnotized parents who also stuck their hands in something that they didn't know. It doesn't seem like the best use of his time and says that maybe this guy has an issue delegating to a series of managers.

I will say this though - in the short amount of time this guy has been on  Earth, he's managed to set up a business, build up buzz and capital, and a big enough factory, not to mention branding. Clearly someone spent the last six months watching nothing but episodes of Shark Tank.

So the Power Rangers throw away those nifty ninja suits, which clearly served no purpose at all, got back their powers and came back to Earth where there's ooze and weird mechanical insects that aren't doing anything but walking around and bumping into things.

Again, I may be confused on how the Power Rangers work and the boundaries of their powers but they power animal shaped ships. I feel like I should have known this in the first few minutes going in.

Why do the Rangers need to communicate with such strong arm movements? I tried doing it in my own day to day life and people assumed I was too aggressive and about to mug them.

It should be noted that the Ooze Master (was his name Ivan? I don't know) decides to skip the middle man and put himself in one of his metal bugs to fight the Power Rangers. Question: is he aware of his massive time wasting?

Also, I don't want to accuse Disney and the Marvel Cinematic Universe of plagiarism, so I'll just leave this here:

 And back to this story line where this kid saves his dad from menial work and dad still has no way of redeeming himself at any point in this life or the next.

It seemed like a fairly easy victory for the Power Rangers. The entire battle led up to them collectively kicking the villain in the groin and doing it so hard he blasted off into space. No lessons were learned and the city was fine going back to normal and forgetting about the whole thing all together.

And that's what I missed out on.

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SON IN LAW (1993)

We know reading is hard. So we're podcasting this like all the cool kids do.

Beth and I are talking about the real issues of this movie. Things like "Why would anyone bring Pauly Shore home?" Its intense stuff.

Also, we should have mentioned that Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers appears and is unsure of what he's doing or that a movie is being filmed. The management here solemnly apologizes.

LAST ACTION HERO (1993)

For years, I have used this title as a punching bag for bad movies that nearly bankrupted studios. But I've never seen it.

UNTIL NOW.

Lets take the time machine back to 1993, which was one of those blockbuster years for movies. We got Jurassic Park, Mrs. Doubtfire, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Tombstone, etc. It was a good time to be a movie going kid. And then there was Last Action Hero, which Schwarzenegger got $15 million to make.

If you haven't seen this movie, its about an impressionable boy who's only crime is to love the movies, so much so that he skips school to go, only to be pulled into a level of ultraviolence parading as fun as Schwarzenegger mugs for the camera. He learns a very valuable lesson in that violence always gets you what you want. #murica

I do not doubt the talents of the cast and crew that were hired to make this. As is the usual case with these movies,  I know that hundreds of hours of talented people's lives went into this and they can't be at fault. I did pinpoint where this movie goes wrong.

(Yes I know this movie is a parody of action movies - in case you were starting to draft a comment about it)

Here's the thing that puts a damper on the whole production.

This face:

They put this face near children, folks. A studio put money behind it and that's what happened.

Our story involves a kid skipping school, going to the movies and getting a golden ticket which allows the creation of worse movie making to enter an already bad movie. Step aside Intersteller - this movie will really scramble your head of space and time.

The star of Touched by an Angel and Lawnmower Man 1 and 2 is a seemingly wide eyed innocent kid who just really loves super violent movies. We also find out he likes to say disturbing things like "Who do I gotta kill around here to get in to see that movie?" His mother lies to cover for his truancy and during a disturbing scene where a meth head (I'm assuming) breaks in, terrorizes this kid, the police just shrug and say, "Tell your mom when she gets off her shift."

None of this bodes well.

I'm sure this sight gag was pitched as the big joke of the movie. And here it is.

You should also know that Arnold Schwarzenegger plays two characters. One is his movie within a movie character and the other is himself. Sort of a pre-Being John Malkovich. Just without the thoughtful script and without Arnold out mugging himself in every scene.

This movie has probably one of the best lines of dialogue ever written: "What you want a bunch of guys dancing and throwing cocaine at each other? Just kick the door in!"

This child gets to sit and drive through mass explosions and have a gun discharged within inches of his face. Had more people seen this movie, I'm sure the parental outrage would have been through the roof.

Impressionable Child : "Where are you going?"
Arnold "Got to catch the red eye."

(slow applause)

I realize that this is a parody of action films. I realize that none of it is supposed to be taken seriously. Its just a little trouble how easy this movie hands guns to minors and has them blow groups of people away.

That being said, Arnold and this kid's negligent Mom really hit it off.

Given that this is the year 2014 and we've seen horrific headlines over the past few years, I don't think I need to describe how unsettling this scene was.

Hilariously (I guess) Arnold 1 and Arnold 2 end up in the same theater together, each one trying to out act the other. Again, a great idea in the pitch room. In practice, its just two hammy guys winking at the camera.

This kid gets put in the most traumatizing circumstances and the movie merely shrugs its shoulders and barrels on into the next action sequence. And don't tell me since its parody, the kid would be fine because once I dreamt that we had an intruder in our house because my dad didn't patch up the walls made by the Kool Aid guy breaking through it earlier and I woke up in a cold sweat #truestory

The movie has three factors. Either Schwarzenegger is mugging....

Or this kid is explaining something in a high whiny voice...

Or firearms are being used obscenely inappropriately.

One might argue that that's pretty much most action movies of the 80s and 90s, but I'll tell you this. At least Die Hard didn't ask a child to murder.


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INFERNO (1999)

I think the movie's tagline says it all...

"Left for Dead. Burning for Revenge..."

I get chills just thinking about it. That and the fact this was brought to us by the same guy who made a squeaky voiced Ralph Macchio roar.

This is how we meet our hero...

Drunk and passed out. You can't see it, but his motorcycle is crumpled up in a heap somewhere off in the distance. Maybe it was written in the script but something tells me this is just JCVD being JCVD.

Its now occured to me that the movie's tagline "Left for dead..." isn't exactly true. More like "Wasted Loser Life, Might Get Up Later."

The other thing we establish very quickly is that JCVD's best friend is a guy named Johnny Sixtoes. No one questions this last name, they just plow into the story as if we all didn't just hear one of the silliest names in movie history.

As the movie will explain to you (through the ramblings of a drunk JCVD) he's here in the middle of nowhere to drink himself to death over his actions while serving in the Army. Honoring his Army training, he recklessly fires shots in the air, which makes Johnny Sixtoes disappear (the name stays though) and a group of guys in a truck appears upset about JCVD's inability to understand gun safety.

What follows is flareups of tempers and conflict that could have easily been avoided had these guys just driven away from the gunfire. But that would have been a blissfully short movie and we would have watched another 75 minutes of JCVD slobbering unconsciously.

If there's one thing this movie has that other Van Damme movies don't is that Jean-Claude is rocking a cowboy hat for most of it. He clearly really likes himself in said hat, because once its on, he seems reluctant to be without it.

Guns, grenades and cowboy hats....Van Damme for President 2016.

It should be mentioned...

Mr. Miyagi is in this. His role in this movie is useless, which is fantastic because its long been forgotten and he can remain a cherished icon of our childhoods. Instead, he works at a dumpy diner with this little love interest (van DAMN!)

Her acting is genuine - it says, "I'm playing a character that doesn't know she's supposed to kiss Jean Claude Van Damme later."

Johnny Sixtoes comes back. He's also Danny Trejo, pretending we don't remember his name is actually Johnny Sixtoes.

He hangs out, soothes Jean Claude's ego and then disappears into the night. God bless you Johnny Sixtoes. I'm hoping for the sequel where we meet his wife, Susie Fourthumbs.

You would think this movie would be about JCVD overcoming his suicidal guilt Army thoughts, but no, its just about him getting back at the guys who got mad at him for almost shooting them. So his plan of attack is, kill the guys and have Hot Waitress and Mr. Miyagi help dispose of the bodies, making this one of the darkest movies I've watched for this blog (please keep in mind I sat through two Insane Clown Posse productions).

I realize JCVD wants us to know that he's a formidable force for good, but when you garble out dialog and insist on wearing cowboy hats that are too big for your head, it just defeats the purpose.

Man loves his hat. Not much else you can say about it.

He does take it off from time to time though...

Because its extremely hard to do a roundhouse kick in one. If Chuck Norris has mastered it, then he's not showing it nor talking about it.

The lesson we learn from this is that if you're depressed, do whatever makes you feel better. If someone has a problem with it, feel free to introduce them to Sonny & Cher (aka your fists).

"You guys, I'm really working my way through the grumpies. Thanks!"

Better than therapy, albeit way more messy. No word on how Mr. Miyagi and Johnny Sixtoes coping skills have held up.

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