LAST ACTION HERO (1993)

For years, I have used this title as a punching bag for bad movies that nearly bankrupted studios. But I've never seen it.

UNTIL NOW.

Lets take the time machine back to 1993, which was one of those blockbuster years for movies. We got Jurassic Park, Mrs. Doubtfire, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Tombstone, etc. It was a good time to be a movie going kid. And then there was Last Action Hero, which Schwarzenegger got $15 million to make.

If you haven't seen this movie, its about an impressionable boy who's only crime is to love the movies, so much so that he skips school to go, only to be pulled into a level of ultraviolence parading as fun as Schwarzenegger mugs for the camera. He learns a very valuable lesson in that violence always gets you what you want. #murica

I do not doubt the talents of the cast and crew that were hired to make this. As is the usual case with these movies,  I know that hundreds of hours of talented people's lives went into this and they can't be at fault. I did pinpoint where this movie goes wrong.

(Yes I know this movie is a parody of action movies - in case you were starting to draft a comment about it)

Here's the thing that puts a damper on the whole production.

This face:

They put this face near children, folks. A studio put money behind it and that's what happened.

Our story involves a kid skipping school, going to the movies and getting a golden ticket which allows the creation of worse movie making to enter an already bad movie. Step aside Intersteller - this movie will really scramble your head of space and time.

The star of Touched by an Angel and Lawnmower Man 1 and 2 is a seemingly wide eyed innocent kid who just really loves super violent movies. We also find out he likes to say disturbing things like "Who do I gotta kill around here to get in to see that movie?" His mother lies to cover for his truancy and during a disturbing scene where a meth head (I'm assuming) breaks in, terrorizes this kid, the police just shrug and say, "Tell your mom when she gets off her shift."

None of this bodes well.

I'm sure this sight gag was pitched as the big joke of the movie. And here it is.

You should also know that Arnold Schwarzenegger plays two characters. One is his movie within a movie character and the other is himself. Sort of a pre-Being John Malkovich. Just without the thoughtful script and without Arnold out mugging himself in every scene.

This movie has probably one of the best lines of dialogue ever written: "What you want a bunch of guys dancing and throwing cocaine at each other? Just kick the door in!"

This child gets to sit and drive through mass explosions and have a gun discharged within inches of his face. Had more people seen this movie, I'm sure the parental outrage would have been through the roof.

Impressionable Child : "Where are you going?"
Arnold "Got to catch the red eye."

(slow applause)

I realize that this is a parody of action films. I realize that none of it is supposed to be taken seriously. Its just a little trouble how easy this movie hands guns to minors and has them blow groups of people away.

That being said, Arnold and this kid's negligent Mom really hit it off.

Given that this is the year 2014 and we've seen horrific headlines over the past few years, I don't think I need to describe how unsettling this scene was.

Hilariously (I guess) Arnold 1 and Arnold 2 end up in the same theater together, each one trying to out act the other. Again, a great idea in the pitch room. In practice, its just two hammy guys winking at the camera.

This kid gets put in the most traumatizing circumstances and the movie merely shrugs its shoulders and barrels on into the next action sequence. And don't tell me since its parody, the kid would be fine because once I dreamt that we had an intruder in our house because my dad didn't patch up the walls made by the Kool Aid guy breaking through it earlier and I woke up in a cold sweat #truestory

The movie has three factors. Either Schwarzenegger is mugging....

Or this kid is explaining something in a high whiny voice...

Or firearms are being used obscenely inappropriately.

One might argue that that's pretty much most action movies of the 80s and 90s, but I'll tell you this. At least Die Hard didn't ask a child to murder.


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