TROOP BEVERLY HILLS (1988)

Lets talk about this masterpiece. Chances are, you've already seen it, loved it and think about it  and stumbled on this post. If so, then lets chat about what's possibly the finest film ever made. At least the best ever made about being a Girl Scout in Beverly Hills.

If you don't know what its about, well all you need to know is that Shelley Long IS Phyllis Neffler, a soon to be divorcee living in Beverly Hills, who takes over her daughters Wilderness Girls troop and teaches them what its really like to survive life. You know who really gets the life lesson here? Phyllis Neffler. And she does it in glorious 80s style.

So instead of going through characters and themes of this movie, lets talk about the important lessons we learned from this movie.

1.  Always look on the positive side of things.

Its hard to get Phyllis down. Her husband is leaving her and has forced a mirror in her face of what her life is REALLY about. Despite it being harsh news, she takes it like a champ and decides to challenge herself doing something she's never done before.  Hello, Wilderness Girls!

2.   Money isn't everything, but friends and family are.

Something about these kids brings this out. Phyllis' social life is a bit of a mystery. She has her Joan Collins-esque friend...

...who's fabulous in her own way, but what kind of support does she really have? Hello, Wilderness Girls! Where would she be without them? Like in my life, there's this woman named Marilyn in the finance department who sends out emails saying we need to cut back on Office Depot orders but she's not realizing that if you have friends in other departments, they can make orders for you.

3.  You can take anything and make it glamorous.

I hate camping. I've never been, but I can tell you now - nothing about it appeals to me. So when I see the way Phyllis Neffler camps, sign me up. She made fondue and took the girls to the Beverly Hills Hotel. Seriously, SIGN ME UP.

4.   If you're unsure of anything in life, then make it your own.

Phyllis took a drab Wilderness Girls dress and turned it into MAGIC.

The structuring of that jacket isn't what makes it magic. Its the fact that she saw something she didn't like and did something about it. I hate khaki, but she makes a strong case for it. Marilyn from Finance likes to send out excel spreadsheet templates that make no sense. You take those templates and give her a pie chart. Shuts them up everytime.

5.  There is no enemy too great that you can't take on.

Meet the Red Feathers. Sure, Tori Spelling is a member, but the important thing to consider is that every enemy has a weakness. There's was also the one thing getting them ahead, which was their "Kill or be Killed" attitude. Maybe it works in the here and now, but it will catch up with you when you leave your mother in a ditch with a broken ankle.

6.  How to sell cookies.

Instead of going to door to door, make the market come to you. Stake out Jane Fonda's Workout gym chains or coordinate a fabulous pool party at your house. Everyone likes cookies - including Marilyn from finance who takes the boxes in the breakroom home with her every week.

And never underestimate the power of working the crowd with a heart pumping choreographed number:

7.   If you don't like how people make you earn their approval, then make your own merit badges.

Maybe you'll never be in a situation where you have to learn how to make a campfire or bind a wound. Thats because that's not crucial to your environment. That's when Phyllis stepped it up and had her girls learn truly useful things like how to appraise jewelry and how to be active in your community.

Those are some fabulous patches.

8.  You can't "win" him back. You can only make yourself attractive for the world.

Man, Freddy. This guy made all of his money with Phyllis at his side and then traded her in for a younger and hotter real estate agent. If your goals of self improvement involve winning a man back, then you're doing it wrong. Win yourself back. If he's a real man, he'll see what he's missing.

9.  Never let the bullies get you down.

Despite the emotional beat down Velda gave Phyllis, it never stopped her from offering her a smile and a cappucino. Velda never came around, but it didn't matter in the end. Phyllis got to be the poster woman for Wilderness leadership and Velda settled back for a career in customer service. That's how the universe works sometimes.

Also never get married in Reno. Because reasons.

10. Dress for the person you are, not the person that others want you to be.

Look, I take a stand against wearing sweatpants to work (although Marilyn in Finance feels differently as she has given up on life altogether), but other than that, every day is your own occassion and dress for whatever comes your way. 

I don't know how one would sit in this either but does it really matter?

Is it culturally insensitive when you're teaching the value of turquoise to all cultures?

Bet you don't give up on gardening as quickly if you're wearing this.

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The Faculty (1998)

The Faculty, currently streaming on Netflix, is just as good as I remember it, and incorporates some of the best things from the 90s. Namely, putting Usher in teen movies and using an alien invasion as an allegory for how high school stifles creativity. Or something like that. Did I mention Usher?

OK, so the basic plot here is that we’ve got a Breakfast Club-like mishmash of students who are all trying to stop an alien invasion. Because when aliens come to take over earth, they’re going to be sneaky about it. That means taking over the faculty (did you get where the titles comes from yet?) of a high school in Ohio. A high school where John Stewart and Salma Hayek are part of THE FACULTY.  Let’s meet everyone else.

This is Casey Connor. He’s our Anthony Michael Hall nerd who’s just pleading for a makeover. The haircut alone is just begging his peers to hassle him every day, and they oblige. Casey is the photographer for the school paper, and we can thank him for discovering one of the alien creatures on the football field and bringing it into science class.

This is Delilah Profitt, our Molly Ringwald poor little rich girl. She’s editor or the school paper, head cheerleader, but sometimes she’s sad because her mom drinks. Her body gets taken over about halfway through the movie, so it’s no thanks to her when our gang finally beats the aliens.

This is Stan Rosado, our Emilio Estevez jock who’s conflicted about just being seen as an athlete. We can see by Stan’s dreamy stare that there’s not much going on behind those eyes, but that doesn’t stop him from quitting the football team so he can pursue more academic pursuits.

This is Stokely Mitchell, and because of her name alone she’s our Alley Sheedy outcast. Really, what did her parents expect with a name like that? Thankfully she spends all her alone time reading science fiction books so she knows just how to take care of an alien invasion.  

This is Zeke Tyler, our John Bender. He’s repeating his senior year, apparently because he spends all his study time selling homemade drugs and bootleg VHS tapes in the school parking lot. He’s also trying to start some Mary Kay Letourneau/Vili Fualaau action with Miss Burke, his teacher.

This is Marybeth Louise Hutchinson, a new student. If she were to have a Breakfast Club equivalent, I guess it would be some new annoying student who ruins everyone else’s life. She is boring, so it’s only natural that she gloms on the Zeke, our resident bad boy.

Now you know the players, so on with our story.

Here’s Casey and his science teacher, Jon Stewart, admiring the new animal Casey found on the football field. I hope teacher doesn’t dumbly reach his hand into the fish tank and get his body taken over by aliens. 

Oh man, something is bad wrong here. If you ever see a public school teacher looking happy and NOT beaten down by life, you should run as fast as you can.

John Stewart is the first teacher to be taken down by Zeke’s homemade, I don’t know, meth? Our heroes can now escape to Zeke’s garage where they can score, I mean, get more of his homemade drugs to fight the aliens. 

Delilah isn’t having any of this hero business, because she’s already been taken over by aliens! Twist. OK, everyone else, let’s head back to school and see if we can’t find out who the queen alien is and kill her. Things are not going well back at the high school.

Need your suspicions confirmed that high school athletes are the worst people ever? Here you are.

Things are not going well for Zeke’s lady crush, Miss Burke either. At least they can’t commit any felonies with most of her body missing.

Marybeth why are you naked?

Because she’s the alien queen! Burn it with fire! Or offer her some of Zeke’s homemade crack. And it works! Everything goes back to better than normal, and if the characters were going to write a final Breakfast Club like letter I think it would go something like this:

Dear Everyone,

We accept that we had to sacrifice our principal, two teachers, and some of our closest friends to fend off an alien invasion. We’ve learned a lot about ourselves in the past weeks.

We learned a dumb jock and a science fiction geek can fall in love if he quits the football team and she stops dressing like there was a sale at Hot Topic. 

The head cheerleader can love a nerd if he saves the world from aliens first.

 I guess we learned everyone will look the other way on Zeke and Miss Burke’s relationship because he’s a graduating senior, but some of us still find it gross.

 But I guess the biggest lessons we’ve learned are to always be wary of outsiders, and when life hands you problems, they can be solved with drugs. Lots of drugs.

A bit of trivia: The Faculty was Usher’s film debut, so we’ll leave you with Usher, looking like a thespian. 

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Tyler Perry's The Single Mom's Club (2014

The most popular piece of writing advice that gets bandied about is “write what you know.” Tyler Perry heard this advice and confidently went, ”nope.” We present to you: Tyler Perry’s The Single Moms Club, as written, directed, and acted like someone who has never met a single mom. Or had children.

A staple for any Tyler Perry movie is to have about 17 characters, give each a terrible secret/unbelievable obstacle to overcome, and then they overcome it. It feels good, but only if you don’t look at the gaping plot holes and don’t ask too many questions.

The movie begins with five single moms being called into a conference with the principal of their children’s school.  “And where are the fathers?” asks the principal. Where indeed? Maybe these kids wouldn’t be smoking and tagging the school with graffiti if some dads were around (a little heavy handed Mr. Perry, but I get your meaning).

As punishment the principal makes the moms plan a charity event. Wait, what? The moms get in trouble? And the principal is going to trust five random ladies with a fundraising event for her fancy private school?  These are single moms who can barely make it to a conference on time! They can’t handle this! The moms get together and decide that it’s hard being a single mom and they should take turns watching the kids so the other moms can go sing karaoke and go to strip clubs. This is the basis for a club. Who are these women? 

This is May Miller. She’s a writer, has a son, and is being pursued by Tyler Perry’s character. We start with her trying to pitch a book, being rejected, and running late for the meeting at her son’s school. 

Heavy Handed Stereotype: Let’s start with desperate for a man. Tyler Perry shows up AT HER HOUSE, and she finds it charming rather than unsettling. May is the only mom who is late for the conference at school, so let’s add “frazzled” and “too much on her plate” to the single mom stereotypes.

Deep Dark Secret: Her son’s father is a drug addict.

Crazy Drama: When her son runs away to see his dad (whatever you do May, DO NOT call the police when this happens. Go home and wait after you call his name a few times!) May gets mad at the other mom who was supposed to be watching her kid. Then her “pride” keeps her from talking to the other moms – maybe because you acted like a psycho May?

Conclusion: Say you’re sorry to the other moms and everything goes back to normal.

This is Hillary Massey. She’s divorcing a lawyer, having to fire her maid, and has a crush on her next door neighbor. White people problems. Amirite? She seems to solve her problems by crying and drinking wine.

Heavy Handed Stereotype: Clueless white lady. Has three kids but can’t take care of them without the help of a housekeeper.

Deep Dark Secret: Her daughter loves the maid more than Hillary.

Crazy Drama: She loses May’s son, because when Hilary was supposed to be babysitting she was sitting on the porch flirting with her neighbor. To be fair, all the kids were asleep, but shouldn’t rich white ladies own a baby monitor or some kind of surveillance equipment?

 Conclusion: Just be a better mom I guess? Her kid likes her better, and Hillary cries less. And date your neighbor because it’s convenient and you’re both attractive.

This is Lytia Wright. She has five kids, no car, and her two oldest are in prison. She is also sassy, loud, and a waitress at what I can guess is a Waffle House. She’s got a customer that tries to woo her by bringing her a funeral wreath. Her life is exactly what kind of life you can expect to have when you wear crazy leopard coats without irony. She’s excellent at putting up with Jan’s casual racism.

Heavy Handed Stereotype: If Tyler Perry was going to dress up and play one of the single moms himself, Lytia would be the one. She is loud, “sassy”, and lower middle class (but with a heart of gold).

Deep Dark Secret: Maybe that her two older kids are in prison? But that’s not exactly a secret, because she reminds her youngest son of it all the time when she’s yelling at him to act right. I wish her secret was something like she used to be a competitive Salsa dancer or was starting a jewelry business, but we don’t have time for character nuance.

Crazy Drama: Lytia won’t let her son play basketball outside, because that’s the gateway activity to robbing a liquor store.

Conclusion: Let your kid play basketball sometimes and date the guy who gives you a funeral wreath. Your life can only get so good, so take what you can get.

This is Jan Malkovitch. She works in “publishing” because nobody told Tyler Perry this was a dying industry. She’s a “career gal” who spends too much time at work and is wary of minorities, and Jan starts the movie dashing May’s dreams. She has a daughter who is sexually aggressive, but Jan herself hasn’t gotten any in 10 years. She likes to ask other members of the moms club things like “why is your son named after a Jewish holiday?”

Heavy Handed Stereotype: Casual racist. Career gal who is too focused on work to be feminine enough for a man.  

Deep Dark Secret: She can’t sing. You don’t suggest karaoke as an activity if you are tone deaf.

Crazy Drama: She is up for “partnership” in her publishing company but being a mom is getting in the way. Is this even a thing?  

Conclusion: She moves to another publishing firm (really? She has several to choose from? Is everyone unaware of what’s going on in this economy?), spends more time with her daughter, and decides to publish May’s book.

This is Esperanza Luego (because, HEY THIS IS THE HISPANIC CHARACTER doesn’t roll off the tongue like you’d think) and she is also a stay at home single mom. She has a boyfriend who she won’t introduce to her daughter because her ex-husband (Eddie Cibrian!) keeps threatening to take her house away.

Heavy Handed Stereotype: The spicy Latina.

Deep Dark Secret: I guess the fact that she can’t read her divorce decree to find out that her ex doesn’t own the house she lives in.

Crazy Drama: Seriously, Eddie Cibrian won’t give her a break. He buys their daughter a phone and lets her wear makeup. This isn’t “crazy” because all she has to do is say “Lay off Eddie!”

Conclusion: “Lay off Eddie!” and she finally introduces her daughter to her boyfriend.

What have we learned from all of this? There are five kinds of single moms out there and if you can figure out which kind you are and start a babysitting co-op, your problems practically solves themselves.

What are other people saying about this movie? Here is a five star review on Amazon, so you can decide for yourself:

I don't know why the film wasn't a hit at the Box Office but it was a hit for me when I watched it at the movie theater with a group of people, it's not a chick flick, it's for everyone Men & Women! I thought the acting was phenomenal, the humor worked at every moment it hit, the emotions was surreal and it had a universal story line that I can relate and saw myself in the movie as the men the single moms fell in love with! Keep up the good work Mr. Perry, I think you're doing a fantastic job!!! Can't wait for your next production, either it's Madea or not!!!! I HIGHLY recommend it to everyone, Tyler Perry fans or not Tyler Perry fans!!! Getting this one for my Tyler Perry collection definitely!!!

As you do. 

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Fateful Findings (2013)

Every now and then I come across a movie that's so bad I have to see it again.

Enter Fateful Findings.

Here's a little background on this film, in case you don't know anything about it. Like all great cinema, this was written, directed, produced and stars Neil Breen.  Who's Neil Breen? For starters, there this:

 Is there anything this guy can't do?

This is not his first movie. Its his THIRD. What's the plot, you ask? That's a great question. Its one I'd like to know myself.  But I'll try to sort through it. There's Neil Breen and his a writer who throws books, he's hacking into government secrets and he's responsible for a lot of deaths. Also women really want him. Like, bad.

We open with   this boy and a girl, and they find a magic mushroom.

She takes an entire page to write "Its a Magical Day!" in graceful, adult like cursive not often seen in the hands of a child, just to commemorate that they found a mushroom in the woods. Then the boy moves and everyone's just awkwardly sad. CUT TO:

We meet our hero, Neil Breen:

Like most cinematic multi-talented wunderkinds, this man has chosen to embrace every hard angle on his face and make us love it just as much as he does.  So many ill-framed tight close ups that corner you with the face of Neil Breen.

The movie really gets started when he's hit by a Rolls Royce in what's probably the best scene ever made of someone getting hit by a car:

You can watch it twenty times and still not get enough of it.

Its at this point where the plot of the movie goes from "I think I get this" to  "Your guess is as good as mine."

While in the hospital, he's visited by a spirit in Sears slacks and wingtip shoes. He's revived, gets up, still wearing his hospital gown, giving us at home a tasty tease of his backside and walks home.

Yep, because hospitals are find with you wandering out of the facility barefoot, hospital gowned and dripping blood. 

He goes home and gets in the shower complete with bandaged head. I'd like to point out the doctor's failing to properly tend to a headwound as he was due for a fresh one hours ago. I blame Obamacare.

His wife, a tall lady with an indeterminate European accent gets in with him and they do this weird slow dance. I've really learned nothing about the plot based on this. Just like to point out its probably the oddest thing put to film. 

Wives, if you care about your husbands at all, you will take him back to the hospital as he is clearly not well. But this is the world according to Neil Breen. We're just living in it.

You can't hold a good Neil Breen down. He's back to the grind of his every day life, which is apparently a best selling author.

There's a lot of this movie that was shot in this tiny office. He's on the phone a lot where he doesn't talk so much shout a lot.  Please not there are at least three laptops placed in the most inconvenient places possible. I have no idea how he gets anything done. 

Maybe its the head injury...

But he's getting visited by the ghost who wears sensible suiting separates and gets handed revelations.  I think. We also got treated to a scene of naked Neil in a room covered in garbage bags.  I'm sure it meant something.

Once he's revived, he decides he has no need for his pain meds and he's done being a best selling author.  This opens to many many scenes of him throwing books at his laptops that he's clearly not using.

"NO MORE BOOKS!" he cries. I feel a tingle down my spine as I watch a man become the superhero we've all been asking for.

His wife on the other hand has decided to get herself an old fashioned addiction to pain meds and helps herself to Neil Breen's. There was a scene where she pulled them out of the toilet. Its not many people who will kick off an addiction at the bottom, but again, this is Neil Breen's world.

He tells his wife that he's now pursuing hacking into government secrets. No other specifics other than that. Maybe its the meds but she takes this news rather well. She complains about her job at the bank and we're all very riveted by this domestic drama.

When Neil isn't hacking into government secrets (his words, not mine) he's going to a therapist who makes him talk about his deepest feelings in a large corporate boardroom.  Its an interesting form of therapy, but if that's where you find comfort, then who am I to judge?

Because he wasn't sure that his wife got it the first time, Neil explains to her that he's hacked into government secrets and also she needs to get off the pills. She needs them, for her job at the bank.  I've never worked at a bank, so I'm going to assume its just non stop stress.

She is a little bit concerned about her husband's mindset, so she slurs on the phone about it. 

He's a man tortured - with the choice to buy too many laptops.

Not that it matters, but there's a subplot with the neighbors - a husband and wife who don't love each other anymore. He drinks, she also takes a lot of pills and blames her work at the bank (Who knew?) They also have a teenage daughter who has a thing for Neil Breen.

And when you think about it, I mean, yeah. Makes sense.

He wanted to hear about her project on elephants, which is a total panty dropper.

Remember that girl at the beginning? Well, she's a super hot doctor who has not aged a day past 26 and she shows up to a poolside BBQ and gets a faceful of Neil Breen.

He's been in love with her since he was eight. 

And because he's the hero in this story, he takes her into the woods to look at more mushrooms, have sex under a tree and find real happiness.  His wife is at home committing suicide with prescription pills.  

So naturally, Hot Doctor moves in and thinks everything Neil Breen does is great.

And the neighbor brutally murders her husband. Its not really all that important. 

What IS important is that Neil Breen has been called for something higher. After all, its been a week and that's enough time to get over the death of your wife and your next door neighboor's murder.

So he goes into the desert and stares at stuff for awhile.

He's done enough hacking so now its time to get everyone's attention.

He makes a rousing speech that spurs people to cheers and higher level suicides. He also does it in front of important buildings and not in front of a green screen if that's what you're thinking.

We watch people kill themselves and then Neil Breen and his hot doctor ladyfriend wander off into the desert. We're assuming they're feeling great about their life choices.

With that being said, I'm going to watch this movie again.

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