The Faculty, currently streaming on Netflix, is just
as good as I remember it, and incorporates some of the best things from the
90s. Namely, putting Usher in teen movies and using an alien invasion as an
allegory for how high school stifles creativity. Or something like that. Did I
mention Usher?
OK, so the basic plot here is that we’ve got a Breakfast
Club-like mishmash of students who are all trying to stop an alien invasion.
Because when aliens come to take over earth, they’re going to be sneaky about
it. That means taking over the faculty (did you get where the titles comes from
yet?) of a high school in Ohio. A high school where John Stewart and Salma
Hayek are part of THE FACULTY. Let’s
meet everyone else.
This is Casey Connor. He’s our Anthony Michael Hall nerd
who’s just pleading for a makeover. The haircut alone is just begging his peers
to hassle him every day, and they oblige. Casey is the photographer for the
school paper, and we can thank him for discovering one of the alien creatures
on the football field and bringing it into science class.
This is Delilah Profitt, our Molly Ringwald poor little rich
girl. She’s editor or the school paper, head cheerleader, but sometimes she’s
sad because her mom drinks. Her body gets taken over about halfway through the
movie, so it’s no thanks to her when our gang finally beats the aliens.
This is Stan Rosado, our Emilio Estevez jock who’s
conflicted about just being seen as an athlete. We can see by Stan’s dreamy
stare that there’s not much going on behind those eyes, but that doesn’t stop
him from quitting the football team so he can pursue more academic pursuits.
This is Stokely Mitchell, and because of her name alone
she’s our Alley Sheedy outcast. Really, what did her parents expect with a
name like that? Thankfully she spends all her alone time reading science
fiction books so she knows just how to take care of an alien invasion.
This is Zeke Tyler, our John Bender. He’s repeating his
senior year, apparently because he spends all his study time selling homemade
drugs and bootleg VHS tapes in the school parking lot. He’s also trying to
start some Mary Kay Letourneau/Vili Fualaau action with Miss Burke, his
teacher.
This is Marybeth Louise Hutchinson, a new student. If she
were to have a Breakfast Club equivalent, I guess it would be some new annoying
student who ruins everyone else’s life. She is boring, so it’s only natural
that she gloms on the Zeke, our resident bad boy.
Now you know the players, so on with our story.
Here’s Casey and his science teacher, Jon Stewart, admiring
the new animal Casey found on the football field. I hope teacher doesn’t dumbly
reach his hand into the fish tank and get his body taken over by aliens.
Oh man, something is bad wrong here. If you ever see a
public school teacher looking happy and NOT beaten down by life, you should run
as fast as you can.
John Stewart is the first teacher to be taken down by Zeke’s
homemade, I don’t know, meth? Our heroes can now escape to Zeke’s garage where
they can score, I mean, get more of
his homemade drugs to fight the aliens.
Delilah isn’t having any of this hero business, because
she’s already been taken over by aliens! Twist. OK, everyone else, let’s head
back to school and see if we can’t find out who the queen alien is and kill
her. Things are not going well back at the high school.
Need your suspicions confirmed that high school athletes are
the worst people ever? Here you are.
Things are not going well for Zeke’s lady crush, Miss Burke
either. At least they can’t commit any felonies with most of her body missing.
Marybeth why are you naked?
Because she’s the alien queen! Burn it with fire! Or offer
her some of Zeke’s homemade crack. And it works! Everything goes back to better
than normal, and if the characters were going to write a final Breakfast Club
like letter I think it would go something like this:
Dear Everyone,
We accept that we had
to sacrifice our principal, two teachers, and some of our closest friends to
fend off an alien invasion. We’ve learned a lot about ourselves in the past
weeks.
We learned a dumb jock
and a science fiction geek can fall in love if he quits the football team and
she stops dressing like there was a sale at Hot Topic.
The head cheerleader
can love a nerd if he saves the world from aliens first.
But I guess the
biggest lessons we’ve learned are to always be wary of outsiders, and when life
hands you problems, they can be solved with drugs. Lots of drugs.
A bit of trivia: The Faculty was Usher’s film debut, so
we’ll leave you with Usher, looking like a thespian.
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