EXCALIBUR (1981)

Its been awhile since my last post and basically 2016 got away from me. Its not as though I didn't watch tons of bad movies, because I did. Mostly, life has a way of getting ahead of you. But in the time I wasn't writing about my favorite hobby, I was traveling, doing other kinds of writing and getting married. But thankfully (for me anyway), I watched this with my husband the other night and as we riffed away, it dawned on me that I missed writing for this blog and I set out to make things right.

So we're getting a new King Arthur movie this year.  Did you know you wanted one? Well, no matter what you're answer, the good people at Warner Bros are going to give you one anyway.

Look, I'll throw money at it, that's for sure. I enjoy Charlie Hunnam, Guy Ritchie and that quick style editing that feeds my ADD.

However, this put me in mind of a King Arthur movie from years past and unfortunately, its not the one with Kiera Knightly looking sad while she shoots arrows. Unfortunately, its not Disney's Sword and the Stone, which is delightful and shows how much any story is improved with a wizard singing about doing the dishes. Instead, its this one:

So I did some hunting and I found it. It really wasn't that hard to find actually.

Here's your film overview - its over the top lovely but if you asked me to recount the story of Arthur based on this movie alone and not on anything else I'd read or watched. There's a lot of story packed in, so basically, Arthur is born out of deeply upsetting circumstances, which somehow involves Excalibur stuck in a stone. He falls ass backwards into the most important job of the country, marries a woman who flirts with everyone, sets up Knights, Inc. His wife cheats on him, which he takes the blame for. Then there's another deeply upsetting scene where his sister has a baby with him, which leads to that kid declaring war. And somehow the Holy Grail fits in.

That being said, the main takeaway here is that Arthur becomes King of England by doing very little and he maintains that statue of accomplishments until his death where people still have to do all the work for him.

One thing I didn't realize was how many well known actors got started in this:

Like Helen Mirren!

Liam Neeson!

Patrick Stewart! The villain from Casino Royale AND Doctor Strange!

This movie introduces us to Merlin, who's style of interacting is using forcefully punctuated sentences that are always being shouted. Sometimes its louder than other times, but for the most part, he's either shouting out of anger or he's shouting out of vindictive glee.

He will find something to yell at you about...

Or rub your face in the fact your mortality is aggressively stupid to him.

And then there's Arthur, who while the actor portraying him is clearly talented, However, this is a man who accidentally got hired as king and immediately started delegating tasks to everyone around him.

I know that according to legend, Merlin instilled Arthur with the power to turn into animals to see things from another persepective, but if this movie is to be believed, I think Merlin just took him aside and said, "Listen, if you complain with enough confidence, people will just do whatever you want to get you to shut up."

And it totally works -

Arthur sees Guinevere and after one conversation, he demands Merlin force her to fall in love with him.

Which sort of works. But keep in mind this...

When you're wife is giving this look to your best employee, its time to read the writing on the wall.

It just leads to running off into the woods...

where there is no dress code.

"Look, I'll fix Excalibur for you one more time, but if it happens again, you're going to have to find some other lady in the next lake over to do it for you."

At one point, through the film's logic which I didn't quite follow, Arthur makes it his mission to find the Holy Grail. And by "his mission" I mean, "sends out his knights to go find it while he lays in bed". Thankfully, the last one came back, minus clothes, while Arthur downed what was in it and said. "Hey, Percival, you wanna go wash your feet next time?"

Two very upsetting things happen in this movie and Merlin is sort of responsible for both.

First of all, Merlin gives the green light for Arthur's biological father to go rape Arthur's mother...

Despite the fact it was this dance that threw him into fits of desire.

Secondly, Arthur's sister, Morgana pulls the old "I dare you to show me how smart you are!" gag on him, steals his magic and promptly sleeps with Arthur.

Arthur was not the only man in the kingdom. She had options, is all I'm saying.

And it needs to be said, she gives birth to the smuggest kid in all of human history.

And since when is gold armor considered acceptable play clothes for children?

It should also go without saying that an afterschool program would have benefitted this kid to no end.

But regardless, Morgana's son, Mordred then quickly grows into the smuggest man in history.

So in the end, Arthur gets Merlin to fight his battle for him but implementing a fog which throws off Mordred and his troops because there was no mention of fog in the weather forecast. (Yes, that was actually said).

And so, with the kingdom restored and having fully apologized to Guinevere for her cheating on him, his work is done. He is carried away on a ship to live on....

While Excalibur is dumped into the sea like garbage. However, littering is a crime and the higher powers that be will simply not allow it.

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TROOP BEVERLY HILLS (1988)

Lets talk about this masterpiece. Chances are, you've already seen it, loved it and think about it  and stumbled on this post. If so, then lets chat about what's possibly the finest film ever made. At least the best ever made about being a Girl Scout in Beverly Hills.

If you don't know what its about, well all you need to know is that Shelley Long IS Phyllis Neffler, a soon to be divorcee living in Beverly Hills, who takes over her daughters Wilderness Girls troop and teaches them what its really like to survive life. You know who really gets the life lesson here? Phyllis Neffler. And she does it in glorious 80s style.

So instead of going through characters and themes of this movie, lets talk about the important lessons we learned from this movie.

1.  Always look on the positive side of things.

Its hard to get Phyllis down. Her husband is leaving her and has forced a mirror in her face of what her life is REALLY about. Despite it being harsh news, she takes it like a champ and decides to challenge herself doing something she's never done before.  Hello, Wilderness Girls!

2.   Money isn't everything, but friends and family are.

Something about these kids brings this out. Phyllis' social life is a bit of a mystery. She has her Joan Collins-esque friend...

...who's fabulous in her own way, but what kind of support does she really have? Hello, Wilderness Girls! Where would she be without them? Like in my life, there's this woman named Marilyn in the finance department who sends out emails saying we need to cut back on Office Depot orders but she's not realizing that if you have friends in other departments, they can make orders for you.

3.  You can take anything and make it glamorous.

I hate camping. I've never been, but I can tell you now - nothing about it appeals to me. So when I see the way Phyllis Neffler camps, sign me up. She made fondue and took the girls to the Beverly Hills Hotel. Seriously, SIGN ME UP.

4.   If you're unsure of anything in life, then make it your own.

Phyllis took a drab Wilderness Girls dress and turned it into MAGIC.

The structuring of that jacket isn't what makes it magic. Its the fact that she saw something she didn't like and did something about it. I hate khaki, but she makes a strong case for it. Marilyn from Finance likes to send out excel spreadsheet templates that make no sense. You take those templates and give her a pie chart. Shuts them up everytime.

5.  There is no enemy too great that you can't take on.

Meet the Red Feathers. Sure, Tori Spelling is a member, but the important thing to consider is that every enemy has a weakness. There's was also the one thing getting them ahead, which was their "Kill or be Killed" attitude. Maybe it works in the here and now, but it will catch up with you when you leave your mother in a ditch with a broken ankle.

6.  How to sell cookies.

Instead of going to door to door, make the market come to you. Stake out Jane Fonda's Workout gym chains or coordinate a fabulous pool party at your house. Everyone likes cookies - including Marilyn from finance who takes the boxes in the breakroom home with her every week.

And never underestimate the power of working the crowd with a heart pumping choreographed number:

7.   If you don't like how people make you earn their approval, then make your own merit badges.

Maybe you'll never be in a situation where you have to learn how to make a campfire or bind a wound. Thats because that's not crucial to your environment. That's when Phyllis stepped it up and had her girls learn truly useful things like how to appraise jewelry and how to be active in your community.

Those are some fabulous patches.

8.  You can't "win" him back. You can only make yourself attractive for the world.

Man, Freddy. This guy made all of his money with Phyllis at his side and then traded her in for a younger and hotter real estate agent. If your goals of self improvement involve winning a man back, then you're doing it wrong. Win yourself back. If he's a real man, he'll see what he's missing.

9.  Never let the bullies get you down.

Despite the emotional beat down Velda gave Phyllis, it never stopped her from offering her a smile and a cappucino. Velda never came around, but it didn't matter in the end. Phyllis got to be the poster woman for Wilderness leadership and Velda settled back for a career in customer service. That's how the universe works sometimes.

Also never get married in Reno. Because reasons.

10. Dress for the person you are, not the person that others want you to be.

Look, I take a stand against wearing sweatpants to work (although Marilyn in Finance feels differently as she has given up on life altogether), but other than that, every day is your own occassion and dress for whatever comes your way. 

I don't know how one would sit in this either but does it really matter?

Is it culturally insensitive when you're teaching the value of turquoise to all cultures?

Bet you don't give up on gardening as quickly if you're wearing this.

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ENTOURAGE: The Movie (2015)

I'm breaking rules with this post. For one, this is a brand new, big studio film that came out just this summer. Two, its not available to be streamed on Netflix, HBOGo, YouTube or Amazon Prime. We actually paid to rent this through iTunes with my friend, Beth.  Here's the thing - I started this site with the purpose of finding terrible movies that you might not know existed which are readily available for watching at the click of the Enter button. This movie fulfills all of these quotas:

1) Its a terrible movie. The Rotten Tomatoes reader does not lie.
2)You can now pay to rent it on iTunes and Amazon. Give it a month or two and it will be available on HBOGo.
3) This movie made $32 million over its entire run. Chances are, you might not have known about it.

To prepare for watching this movie, I watched the entire series run of Entourage. Not all at once, mind you, but over the course of a few months. So if you've seen the series or even just an episode or two (lets face it, that's all you need to get the gist is there's these four really entitled guys who hang out in L.A., have sort of brushes with risk and then end up better than when they started (which was pretty good to begin with.)


WARNING: Aspiring actors, do not try to model your life after Vincent Chase's. This will never happen to you. This didn't even happen to Mark Wahlberg.

The poster says it all. Dream big and live larger. I went into this expecting a big first world fantasy.  I was not disappointed.

BAM! Right away we're thrown onto a awesome yacht party where there's lots of women and money being tossed around like yesterday's newspapers.  Some of these women....not even wearing bikini tops.

Okay, Entourage. Not what I would dream big about but since you're so much smarter than me, how can I live bigger?

MARK CUBAN?

Again, I have never fantasized about hanging out with Mark Cuban with bottles of tequila and cigars, but if I'm supposed to envy these guys and want their life, I guess I'll throw out all those dreams of a great career and my very own space pony.

I'll say this for Mark Cuban. He was in two movies this year - this and Sharknado 3, which is more than Nicholas Cage can say.

There's a guy in a arm sling living his best life right now with two hot babes who want nothing more than to party the day away.  This movie is for guys with minor arm injuries everywhere.

These guys have problems too, you know? Its not all yacht parties and women throwing themselves at them. At the end of the day, they have money to make, other women to hit on, and prestigious movies about DJs of the future battling SWAT teams.

I wish I were making that up, but this is Vincent's vanity project. He's a DJ and he throws yellow liquid in the air, people drink it and can fight riot teams with it and his jamming beats.  You guys, this movie's going to be HUGE.

If only they can get the rest of the funding for it. Its made and its amazing, but they need money for...something.

Never fear. When in doubt, bring in the big guns. Or just Billy Bob Thornton and Haley Joel Osmet carrying thick Texas accents and an affinity for plaid shirts. They're on board. Its a meeting that goes really really well and it seems like all is well.

OR IS IT?

Haley Joel Osmet comes to Vincent's party and hits on the Blurred Lines girl, but what are the odds that Vincent's dating her? (hint: pretty darn good). So, because this is Entourage, he makes Ari cut Johnny Drama's part from DJs in Love, which is heartwrenching because Johnny just knows that awards season is his this year. And because this is Entourage, he hasn't earned it. HE DESERVES IT.

The other thing about this movie is there's about a million subplots happening.

Okay, maybe not a million. But its got to be in the hundreds.  One of them is Turtle stalks Ronda Rousey, future star of the Road House reboot. Stalking celebrities always gets you what you want.  Including a Uber ride directly to their house.

Sure, she made him fight for the right to date her, which he loses. I can't tell you how that subplot ends because it really didn't go anywhere. I'm assuming everything was fine and it was none of our business.

Oh, and then there's the cameos.  Sure, you can dream big, but are famous people popping in and out?

Like, Jessica Alba!

Mark Wahlberg! How's he involved with this, again?

Was there a focus group that said, "Movies are better when there's lots of meetings in them"? Because the makers of Entourage must have found that post it note crumpled up somewhere and said, "Guys, we've got an idea on how to make this movie much longer!"

Seriously, every ten minutes, there's a meeting happening or about to happen.  Its like talking to my boss.

Remember that whole on again, off again relationship Eric had with Sloane? I kind of remembered. Mostly I was surprised that I remembered the one female character in this show where we actually knew her name. But here she is, and she's pregnant and while they've broken up again, she still offers to have sex with him. Sure he hooks up with other women at least once a day, but that's just the way every guy lives. Sure, some of them fake pregnancy and STDs, but at the end of the day, its only the women who are crazy.  Sloane included. She's the one being unreasonable. I think.

Welp, its been ten minutes. I really wish there was another meeting Ari was setting up.

YES.  Meetings!


What does Ari have to do to get Vincent Chase's cinematic manifesto, DJs Keep on Spinnin' seen to the hungry audiences are demanding it?

Perhaps have another meeting?

Let's do it!

There's other subplots running around. Johnny Drama got a tape of him jerking off to go viral. And it was during a casting sessions too! Thanks TMZ.

Seriously, thank TMZ. In true Entourage fashion, this is only a stepping stone up in his career. Sure, people laugh, but its not like he'll stop getting jobs. After all, Vincent will always hire him for anything.

Here's another subplot. Ari has anger issues and they're at a therapist to talk about it. Ari takes a phone call, doesn't apply anything he learns and still wins the movie.

Meeting time!

Here's the thing - Haley Joel Osmet's still pretty steamed about that whole Blurred Lines girl thing and he's still not budging.

So they call another meeting where Haley Joel Osmet would feel more comfortable. In a hotel room, with two naked ladies doing things I won't describe here. But it works. DJs, DJs, DJs is finally going to be distributed thanks to a multi-million dollar investment from these guys.

Dreaming big and living large. That's what its all about.

Also, Lloyd's getting married and wants Ari to walk him down the aisle. Because that's a normal request you make to a boss.

Eric's baby daughter  is born and they name her Ryan Murphy because I'm assuming the creator of Glee won a bet with Mark Wahlberg.

Is this still part of that living large and dreaming big? Because I am! I finally am!

In the end, the movie's a huge hit and sweeps all the Golden Globes because that's what awards voters are hungry for. And Johnny Drama wins a Golden Globe! This is exactly what would happen if a movie about a sci fi DJ went head to head with 12 Years a Slave and Gravity, and then WON.

This on the other hand was a movie about meetings and carefully put together ensembles. I think we all learned a little something about living large.

Wait, Tom Brady and Kelsey Grammer were in this?

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