Given the proud family heritage of trucking that I have, I figured this be worth a go round. There’s a lot of truckers and
they all have kooky names and I’ll never remember them. What I do remember is
that Kris Kristofferson plays one named Rubber Duck and he’s shirtless a lot.
The thing is he doesn’t look bad shirtless, therefore making him a unicorn in
the trucking world. There’s a lot of insults that goes on between truckers,
lots of lingo that quite frankly, I don’t get.
View this as a cautionary tale should you feel the need to turn your kitschy novelty song into a movie.
I leave this movie just as
confused as when I entered it.
Before I start, I'd like to offer my sympathies to Burt Ward, who is still waiting for a call from Christopher Nolan...
First of all, this….
(shakes head, rips up film school diploma)
This is our hero. He’s called the Rubber Duck. I don’t know
why.
Here’s a girl that he’ll be trading awkward sexual innuedos
with for the next two hours. I don’t
know why.
Here’s some of his buddies.
Their conversation is non stop slang and nicknames. I can’t keep up and
it was about at this point I realized this movie might not be for me.
Ernest Borgnine is a lonely man who pulls over truckers for
speeding and not abiding highway safety laws. Given these positive things and
the fact I can understand him, I’m just going to assume he’s the movie’s hero.
For reasons that are not explained and therefore none of our
business, Ali McGraw is selling her clothes to some diner waitresses and
dodging any questions about Love Story.
This is Widow Woman. Does she have a dead husband? I can
figure out the woman part of her nickname, but again, it seems the plot is none
of our business. I throw caution to the wind and keep trying.
It seems Hunky Trucker and Diner Waitress are on a
break. This is the 70s, so I know she’s
not showing him pictures of the diner’s Bingo night last Tuesday.
She has a birthday present for him. I hope he can return it
for store credit.
Probably the most unflattering birthday wrapping ever. And
clearly a case of regifting.
Ernest Borgnine, being a longtime and embattled sheriff,
comes into the diner, looking for some human conversation and possibly
meatloaf.
Back in the cab…
Probably one of the most unerotic sex scenes ever has just
wrapped up.
The sheriff enters and it seems someone is sitting in his
spot.
Hunky Trucker is not having it. And when I say “It” I have
no idea with that means.
No matter, a fight breaks out anyway with people being thrown
slow motion over tables.
There is going to be some nasty reviews on Yelp after this.
In a understated effort to get me to side with highway law
enforcement, the truckers damage the Loneliest Sherriff’s car.
I’ve learned this guy’s name is PigPen. He is a hollow shell
of a man.
And then this awkward moment happens. I’ve never had my
waitress fling run into my newest Saturday night thing, so I have no idea what’s
going on in anyone’s mind.
I’ll bet this guy does.
This place reeeeeaaaaaaallly puts you in the mood for a
cocktail.
And for no reason, the movie’s self appointed hero runs a
jalopy off the road. Just building my mounting hatred for the trucker culture.
Widow Woman takes a curve too sharply and loses her entire
load. Woman drivers, amirite?!?!?!
Because she’s a top employee of whatever company she works
for, she abandons her truck and whatever it was she was hauling across the
country and gets a ride with these two. I’m sure those building materials weren’t
going to anyone who REALLY needed it.
Just a reminder, courtesy of Convoy.
Never mind. The Sheriff is a terrible driver and has clearly
taken his safety on the road agenda too far.
Hunky Trucker shows mild concern.
Ali McGraw doesn’t have time for the welfare of others. She
has to photograph a wedding in Dallas that is clearly not going to happen.
Here’s an equally lonely Sheriff. Him and Ernest Borgnine
have found love in a hopeless place.
“I hate truckers.”
Join the club, pal.
Here’s where the movie spends the longest fifteen minutes
having trucks and cars drive in circles with dust. Maybe this is one of those
symbolic things that movies do and then I realized nope, its trucks and cars in
dirt.
Still happening.
I had to go to the bathroom, did I miss anything?
I hate this movie. This car decided it’d rather commit
suicide than take part in it.
Women aren’t into supportive garments.
Everyone’s happy they crossed state lines into New
Mexico. I think this was the first time
someone was thrilled that they entered New Mexico.
And a convoy has started. I’m learning that a convoy is just
people in large vehicles with absolutely nothing else to do in their life.
Including this dreamy hippie pastor that drives the Muppets
Electric Mayhem bus.
They start their tour of New Mexico but destroying it.
The convoy’s taken over and I feel bad for whatever car has
to be behind it. Look, the Hendersons just wanted to get their kids to the
basketball state finals and Jimmy really has to pee.
Wait a second, it looks like law enforcement is stepping in.
I rubbed my hands together and wonder how Hunky Trucker’s going to get out of
this bucket of syrup.
He’s carrying explosives.
Good thing he’s making a moral standpoint that hasn’t been explained to
us, instead of wasting time and taking it wherever it needed to go in the first
place.
So they’re just going to barrel through that? NO ONE SAW
THAT COMING. On a unrelated note, I’d like to let Convoy know that I really
hate it.
Seems the news of truckers clogging up highways and limiting
supplies to people has gotten around and everyone’s pretty positive about it.
Local news affiliate really wants to know what’s up. They ask, “Why the convoy?”
I listened in, because finally this movie is going to tell
me.
Hunky Trucker: “Trucks gotta move.”
Damn you movie. Stop pretending you know what you’re doing.
Now the mayor’s involved.
They have meetings in his mom’s basement.
Since the convoy can’t roll 24/7, everyone stops in a field
and takes communal showers.
SO. MUCH. HAIR.
The Mayor stops by to do a meet and greet. He’s going to
Capitol Hill with their problem. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THEIR PROBLEM
IS?!?!?!!
In the morning, they do irrepairable damage to the Earth’s
ozone layer.
Sheriff Loneliness waits for them in town, hoping for a
compromise but instead, truckers take their loads which have been expected in the
Midwest for about two days now and completely destroy the town, taking out
everyone’s electricity and basic utilities.
Movie, you have a limited amount of time to prove this
Sheriff wrong and you’re doing a crappy job.
This janitor who has sided with the convoy is pretty stoked
about cleaning everything up.
When they enter another town, Pig Pen has clearly not gotten
over the high over apocalyptic destruction.
So he hits an ice cream truck and its driver. Please let the
victim start up a convoy of ice cream trucks.
Hunky Driver gets serious…
Kicks Ali out of the truck. Because he’s a man’s man.
Thanks to our nation’s rampant military spending, they have
brought in armed forces to deal with this convoy. Which I’m fine with.
The movie decides to remind us again, that Hunky Shirtless
Trucker has been hauling explosives this whole time while its being fired on.
So naturally, this happens…
A funeral is held for Hunky Trucker. And no one got their loads where they should.
Pleeeeeeeaaaaase let Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem
perform Taps. Pleeeeeaaaaaase….
The Mayor says a few words. He’s going to stop this problem,
but everyone has to do their part. Again – WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM?
Ali McGraw seeks solace on the Jesus bus, which we’ve all done
during our darker hours, but then she realizes…
Hunky Driver disguised himself as Ernest Hemingway. You scamp.
Then Lonely Sheriff realizes it too.
He’s fine with it now, making whatever the conflict was in
this movie totally worth the man power and state funds it took to resolve it.
“Hey, who wants to go to Mexico?”
Damn you, Convoy. Damn you.
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