Friday, September 13, 2013


This little independently and sanctified gem of movie mess was written, directed and stars a visionary by the name of Greg Robbins. Should this name mean nothing to you, you should be aware that Greg is a powerhouse producer who gave us other titles like Praise Band: The Movie and Pastor Greg.  No, I haven’t seen any of these – its just IMDB told me they existed, and frankly, who am I to argue?

Here’s the plot…

Greg (apparently the Ben Affleck of the poorly made Christian film community) plays the father of a teenage girl named Sheree (Sherie? Sheray? No one knows for sure) who loves to dance.  She also finds out that not only does she have leukemia, but she’s able to do Jesus one better and bestows salvation with a simple touch.  Turns out this really curdles Satan’s cheese , so he materializes, but not before Shur-ha takes some network meetings and telepathizes God’s word to an unsuspecting public.  And then she dies.  Greg displays consistent forms of mild concern.

And here’s the oddest moments…

We open with a woman driving a car getting run down by a Mack truck. She doesn’t know why and therefore the plot is none of our business.

The car explodes, but there was a baby in the backseat that survived. So already its like Harry Potter. Except everything is awkward and unremarkable.

So we fast forward to the present where miracle crash baby is now a teenager and practicing ballet in a paneled basement with a weird poop stain on the wall.

Also this is the parents reaction when they hear that Christmas vacation is coming:

Why do they hate Christmas?

Also Sheri-ee is apparently a perfectionist when it comes to her dance. Maybe its because her upper torso and her feet are never shown in the same shot.

She collapses during her unsynchronized dancing and goes in for tests. She’s diagnosed with advanced leukemia. Dad flirts with her doctor. Clearly todays problems are only minor obstacles to tomorrow’s opportunities.

Nothing gets Sharae down. As proof , there’s a montage at the mall with a uplifting Christian song. Kids these days.

Its all an act.

“NO! Just stop loving me!”

Throwing caution to the wind, she goes to dance practice, but there’s a evil force afoot.  Its like Black Swan, but if Natalie Portman looked confused and unsure of where she should be looking or what her symptoms would be if she had advanced leukemia.

Dad’s got a hot date with the doctor.  Thank goodness Scharaeaux has a debilitating disease that’s amping up the romance.

Or not.  Since Dr. Romance states she’s pretty clueless when it comes to diseases, they decide that they won’t date anymore.

They’re in the car on the way to church when she realizes doughy Dad can hear her thoughts. Her eyes are huge.

Then they go home and have the same dream where someone was drowning.  They wake up at 3:16.



Dad works for a cologne called Lifesaver.  Please note that Pierce Brosnan has been unwittingly roped into the worst named fragrance of all time.

And for no reason whatsoever a modern ballet performance breaks out. I’m sparing you the sound of the abrasive singer who voice breaks in mid note.

Greg’s real life son takes the stage in a dance that symbolizes him questioning whether or not he’s into the opposite sex.

Greg’s real life daughter stands in the background hating everything.

They decide to save one of Scha-rade’s friends. Immediately one of the angels of death from Indiana Jones enters the house.

Touch of the hand. That’s all it takes.

Since the plot is none of our business, a couple of hooligans from school chase her through the town.  She touches them and they become saved.

Then this happens.

The best thing about this movie is that the circumstances and the reactions don’t make any sense whatsoever.

Check out these two.  They may be the same age, but they’re playing mother and son.

Aaaaaaand we’re back to Black Swan.  Her ballet teacher really enjoys walking with her ass sticking out.

Oh, and Satan is following Shure-hay.

Satan shows up in her room.  He’s not as smooth as when he came in the form of Robert Pattinson and settled in Forks. (Twilight jokes never get old)

Sassy pastor to the rescue!

And he is pissed….

“Everyday, the world is going to hell and its really starting to PISS ME OFF!”

Doughy Dad and Sassy Pastor fist bump and I hate everything all over again.

Their solution is have a battle of the bands.  WHY ARE WE NOT DOING THIS MORE OFTEN!??!?! Our problems would have been long gone by now.

This is the band that wins the battle of the bands.  Ten people show up to watch a group of guys that I know do Collective Soul covers when they think no one’s looking. I smell a spin off appearance in Praise Band: The Movie.

Sharay goes up in front of the church congregation and has graduated from touching teenage houligans to just mindmelding with groups of people and making this guy cry.

Her message is getting out there. Crime’s going down and studio executives are shelving their tentpole releases because they might be harmful to families.  However since Transformers 1-3 still exist this just provesMichael Bay is immune to everything.

They immediately get meetings with every network which seem fine with giving Schah-raaaaay their prime time Thursday slot.  We’re not sure if this was following Parks and Recreation or was the lead in to NCIS. Even then, its interesting they’re not touching the time when Breaking Bad is on.

Another dance performance.  Except Satan pops by.

No, Sherie! Your dance teacher might be Satan!

Oh no! There’s a camera crew stuck on the side of your car!

Black Swan just got reeeeeeally interesting.

“You’re such a loser, Satan!”

Sherie…just get out of there. Seriously.  The door’s over there.

 I’m having a hard time wondering who’s lacking the most judgement.

Sherrie just took a ride on a motorcycle from a complete stranger….

Buuuuuut, Satan’s walking down the middle of the street. Just…wandering. So it’s a toss up.

Thankfully, though she gets to the church where her big special is being shot.  Just by this guy.  He doesn’t even need a camera. THAT’S how awesome Shah-ray’s special is going to be.

She’s graduated from touching to telepathy, but has been demoted just to talking.  Perhaps this was a criticism from the executives that greenlit her bumping The Mentalist. No word on what her Nielsen ratings were. 

Fun fact: Sherrie’s biggest fear is men in black trenchcoats. She saw it in a movie once.

Fast forward to….

Doughy Dad and Dr. Broken Hearts are spending Christmas together with third wheel Sher-ray.

She collapses  under the tree.

Despite being a doctor, Broken Hearts abilities are rendered useless so she just freezes and lets it happen.

Doughy Dad apparently went to that school that teaches when someone collapses you should move their spine around and mangle their arms around.

….and we have a title.

All is not lost because Shurray goes on to figure out if she can synchronize her torso and her feet in front of her Mom.

And I’d imagine Satan is still wandering in traffic somewhere….

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