For Your Consideration - ENDLESS LOVE (1981)

Here’s the most memorable moments from this film.  Also before I get into this, this movie did the one thing that no other Hollywood film has done – made me glad I didn’t date in high school.

So basically Brooke Shields and a moon faced guy who’s name I can’t remember are dating.  She’s 15, he’s 17.  She’s studying French, he won’t leave her alone.  So here’s the oddest moments in the film;

1.     Right away, moon face kid has stalked her on her class field trip to the planetarium.  She asks what would happen if she died. He says he’d die too.  I already hate this kid more than anyone I knew in high school. Also I discover his name is David.

2.     David  goes to a dinner party at Brooke Shield’s house. They dress like the cast of Ragtime and clearly shop at Pier 1.  Mom enters the room in a kimono.  

S He seems a little too interested in getting David’s thoughts on it.  I chose to ignore this as willful 80s ignorance.

3.     Their dinner party seems a low key event. Given this was 1981, I expected this family to break out the International Café in a variety of flavors.  Because that’s what I think happened in classy 80s dinner parties.

However, the party soon evolves into this….

…and then Dad gets in the act.  Please note the guy in glasses in the background who looks like he just wandered in the house to smell the seat cushions and wasn’t sure how to leave.

This is where I realize Brooke’s brother is played by James Spader.  Apparently he’s dating a singer with a band. Her name is “Cathy”.  She proceeds to sing “Endless Love”

I’d imagine now that she tries to tell people she was in “Endless Love” and she sang the song. But Diana Ross, she ain’t.

Mooney creepily stares at Brooke during the song.  

Please note the look on Dad’s face.  I’ve seen that look plenty of times on my own Dad’s face.  Usually  it was after I got marinara on the couch or he walked into the room while I was watching something like this movie.

After the party, Brooke tells David to go home.  Here’s his response….

Things were very different  back then.  Had this been my house, he would have had a can of mace and a German Shepherd to deal with.

So comes the big moment…..

And Mom heads downstairs and this is what she sees….

Mom just stares….

I hate this movie so much. I hate everyone in it.  I can’t decide who I hate more.

Mom’s still staring.

Okay, I hate her the most.

After that, David just apparently infiltrates himself into this family’s social activities. Like duck hunting.  Anyway, him and Mom have an awkward conversation about it.  And then this happens.

As promised, they go duck hunting.  James Spader shoots guns and is really good at it.  He has this line for David...

“Just because you’re f*&!@# my sister doesn’t make you part of the family.”

I’m just writing down that if we don’t see James hunting David with a gun by the end of this , then this movie has failed us in every sense possible.

David walks around Brooke’s house naked, proving that David is quite possibly the stupidest human being alive.

Should be noted, that Mom thinks this arrangement is fine. She is truly gunning for David’s title.

Brooke falls asleep in class a lot.  Quite possibly due to the fact that David is always naked and in her room.

This photo has nothing to do with the plot.  I was just fascinated by Dad’s odd glasses. Sort of Franklin’s failed invention of the no-focals.

David breaks into Brooke’s house at 230 in the morning to have sex with Brooke, thus completing this guy’s journey to crazy town.

Zefferelli went gangster on the  night sky imagery in this movie.  I understand he made this as sort of a homage to Romeo and Juliet, but it’s a little heavy handed.

David: “I’m going to name a star after you”.

And then I imagined Brooke getting one of those cheesy certificates, where you pay $40 to name a star.

Not that we needed to see it, here’s David’s “O-face”.

Here’s Brooke’s…. it looks like the face I make when I’m falling asleep during “Lord of the Rings”.

So after Dad catches David skulking away at 7 am, David’s getting banned from the house.

Also, Brooke is getting addicted to sleeping pills.  

Instead of David rethinking his life and where he wants to go, he seeks counseling from his peers.

Jeez, like this kid.  I wouldn’t trust this kid with parental relations if my life….  

            Wait a minute….

           

Tom Cruise is telling David about the time he set fire to his house to make himself look like a hero.  Getting a second opinion would just be stupid at this point.  So he sets fire to the house, gets the family out, promptly admits to doing it and gets sent to a mental ward.

Lesson here is don't take advice from Tom Cruise.

 So David spends years there, and sees visions of Brooke shields playing with her hair.  It upsets the inmates and his parents who are now getting separated because they’ve never learned love like David has.  If only Dad had set fire to a house, then David would at least have had a sibling.

I just liked this scene of David and a kid named Leonard…

“Get the f___ out of here, Leonard!”

I guarantee Leonard’s story would have been way better.

Mom and Dad bring David home (probably wishing they could have switched him with Leonard). He finds out the stacks of letters he sent Brooke never got to her.  Also, her parents have since divorced and Cougar Mom is now living in New York.   David’s had some time in the hospital to sit down and reflect on who the person he wants to be, so naturally, this visit shouldn’t be awkward at all….

Until this happens….

NO ONE HAS LEARNED A THING. I officially hate this movie and everything and everyone that was involved in making it.

Despite all of this, Mom convinces David to stay the night at her apartment.  He finds Brooke’s address.  She lives in Vermont. He’s got a plan. 

So far, this movie has promised me a Romeo and Juliet ending and James Spader hunting David in the woods with a gun.  Only one of those things will make me happy at this point.

While David is roaming the streets of New York (presumably searching for a touristy hat or getting tickets to see Avenue Q), he spots Brooke’s father and is new girlfriend.  He spots him and automatically jumps into the street to run after him. He gets hit by a cab and David dully stands over the body until the police come. So he leaves the scene of the crime.

Again, David, is the dumbest man alive. And proof that mental health care is woefully lacking.

Speaking of which, guess who shows up at David’s door

I understand that there are some people who have friendly relationships with their exes. However, I’m sure those people don’t laugh about the time their house got burned down or the time they were the cause of their father’s death over a 2008 Merlot.

David and Jade are not one of them and the conversation quickly turns miserable.

I should add that Brooke’s eyebrows are mind blowingly fluffy in this scene.

Despite the fact they’ve made up, James Spader is not willing to accept their love.  He disappointingly gunless in this scene as another reminder that sometimes in life, we don’t get what we want.

I think this is the only time I've ever rooted for James Spader. 

Should've brought that gun. 

The final scene is Brooke and her mother talking, reflecting on that scene where James Spader’s girlfriend ripped off that Lionel Ritchie song. They’re in the snow and crying and I’m reminded on how much I hate being a woman sometimes. And then I think about how despite Mom is trying to convince Brooke to move on and try anything, you can’t get around the fact that to her the phrase “Try everything” includes “Make moves on your daughter’s ex.”

We leave the movie with David stalking Brooke and then freeze framing on her. It makes no sense and I don’t know why.

So she’s moved on? Kind of makes the “endless” part of the title a moot point.

Here’s where I would have given this movie a thumbs up. A shot of James Spader holding a gun just a few feet from David.

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Gabe, The Cupid Dog (2012)

Its been awhile since I've posted, which means we are long due for anotherentry in the "Animals Who Talk But Looks Terrible On Film" category, but when I saw the movie artwork, I couldn't say no to it....

After all, the dog has human eyes. I was kind of hoping it was a person trapped in the body of a dog, and the only way it could be set free was by getting a human to fall in love with it to break the spell. But that's not what happened.  And as in the case of A Talking Cat?!?! its not even the same dog that was in the movie.

Instead, there's a dog who's owner is moving to London, something about a secret identity of a famous author and the dog sniffs out women.  There. Whatever visuals you just had from reading that sentence were probably better directed and acted out than what was in this movie.

You may ask yourself, "Hey, I hear this movie is directed by Michael Feifer. After seeing this, I might be interested in his other works..."

He is responsible for this...

The man enjoys dogs, I'll say that.

Also this...

Just do what the dog says, and no one gets hurt. Or at least thrown in the river only to be found weeks later.

So here's the best moments from the film.

Meet our hero - he sits at a desk and stares at his computer a lot, which is apparently what journalists do. He is bland and vague and the most interesting thing about him is that little dragon thing sitting on his desk. He is not a serial killer.

From here on, the director decided we wouldn't truly be in the moment without uncomfortably tight close ups on his subject matter.

This is Gabe.  Look at him.

LOOK AT HIM.

(at this point he might be a serial killer.)

This is Eric's coworker.  The camera loves him enough to be pushed into a  super close up.

This scene involves Gabe the Dog creeping up on a unsuspecting ginger girl and stealing her bikini top in hopes of her falling in love with his owner Eric. Even if I hadn't consulted this directors IMDB page first, I would have wondered if he had ever lurked inside the mind of a serial killer based on this shot alone.

We all knew this wasn't going to go well, and I suspect this girl was cast in exchange for giving the director her phone number.

Family friendly film or episode of To Catch a Killer? You decide.

This shot did not help me in my concerns that someone was about to die in a really ugly way.

This is the face that says, "Her head would make an excellent addition to my collection."

"Hey girls, I'm making a movie right now. I can't pay you, but if you're willing to put on these bikinis, play with a dog and then meet me in this large manhole thats in the basement of my house, then we should have some fun." - Michael Feifer.

Stop with the extreme close ups.  The camera clearly does not love this man's face.  They're barely even friends.

Now that Eric has graduated from staring at his neighbor Sara through the narrow slats on his fence to actually talking to her in a safe zone that's the appropriate 100 feet from her house, we can really see the chemistry between these two go off.

Eric and Sara do go on a sort of date. She brings her kids and he brings them to a man who carves dark and disturbing death masks outside.

Eric seems the only one who's entertained by it.

Honestly, I wish this movie had been about this sassy receptionist.  It would have been called, "Shirell, the Talking Receptionist" and I would have been happily watching that.

It should be noted that Eric is journalist.  However, Eric spends a lot of time not chasing down stories.  Just wandering around an office with a shovelface and not know what is going on. Thank goodness there's a dog.

At one point, Gabe fakes an injury and gets Sara and her kids to rush him into the emergency room.  I should note here that if you're rushing, you need to bend your knees to run.  None of this tiny shuffling with your legs tightly together business. Its like this is Sara's first day in movement.

I've been to the vet plenty of times, but I do not recall ever posing with the entire staff with a couple of patients thrown in for extra ambience.

Just FYI, Gabe was fine, but the movie never told us where Eric hid the bodies. Chances are the director answered those questions in what was his next film....