FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: The Beastmaster (1982)

Well then...

I think I saw this a long time ago, far far away, but I ran into it again and realized that this movie was really not for children's eyes. Or really anyone who has eyes.

Imagine if you will, a Game of Thrones episode where the men are just as topless as the women. Or a really bad 80s hair metal music video.  Maybe a live action He-Man episode with a strict budget that allows only for chest grease and cardboard sets.  Whatever you imagine, be sure to include lots of scenes of men in loin clothes rolling around on the ground together and Rip Torn in pigtails and bad teeth.

Not sure what the movie's about? Well, The Beastmaster is about a man who masters beasts.

Let me explain. A slack jawed guy named Cletus Dar is born from a prophecy or magic or something and given the gift of being able to communicate with animals. Bran Stark could only dream of being so lucky.

This was the first thing he saw. I don't care who you are or where you come from, that's just cruel.

Dr. Doolittle Dar enters adulthood fighting a guy with a hat that I refuse to believe was ever in style whether in this dimension or the next.

Sometimes you seek out change. Sometimes change seeks you out. Sometimes your village gets burned down by guys in weird bat wing hats and that's when you know that its time to move on with your life.

 Know what Game of Thrones is missing? These two...

 I'd like to take a moment to point out this film's breakout performances. Which is these two ferrets, shown here rescuing our hero from some quicksand.

Frankly, if our hero didn't make it and the movie turned out to be about two ferrets who go on adventures and save kids from being sacrificed by evil wizards, I'd be all about it.

Sadly, we don't always get what we want in this world.

Seriously, just call this movie The Ferretmaster. Can someone please convince George R.R. Martin to write these into his series?

Let me pinpoint where Dar, as a hero and Beastmaster does not work.  He may be a man of action, but simple objects seem to flummox him. Like shiny objects. You will watch him stare at shiny things like swords and jewelry with a blank look that will make you wonder why people feel compelled to follow him at all.

Speaking of which...

I chose not to post a screenshot of our love interest topless because I refuse to contribute to the needless gawking at naked women that our hero does. Its bad enough they clothed her in cheesecloth and kept dousing her with water throughout the whole movie.

This is how these two met: He watched her bathe, then waited until she came out of the water. He grabbed her then forced her to kiss him. The ultimate of meet cutes.

Meanwhile, they move to another part of the desert where they make their pyramids out of Styrofoam, which is enough reason for people to sacrifice their kids.

Don't worry.  Prehistoric Dr. Doolittle doesn't physically intervene, just passes off the hard work on a nearby hawk to come to the rescue.

I had no idea that the guy from Coming to America and Family Matters was in this.  Frankly, if I was a ferret, I'd follow this guy around in a heartbeat.

Gordy Howard, the weatherman on the Mary Tyler Moore Show? Why isn't he the Beastmaster?

And back to the action where Fantasy Cletus, the Slack Jawed Yokel runs and relies on coincidence to save the day. Either that or lets his animal slaves do all the work.

"And while you're flying around, can you bring me another leather strap to cover my nipple? 'K thanks."

"Remember how we met? You strong armed me while I was half naked and didn't bother to ask my name until I started crying."

So much intensity in the mouth - but nothing behind the eyes.  Also, not a big fan of men wearing headbands. What are you, a college co-ed headed to Coachella?

Best actors in the whole movie. Nothing but chemistry.

We're told these two are falling in love, but its not entirely obvious.  I'm not convinced they actually know each other.

The guy doesn't even open doors for himself. Not sure why he's the hero.

"Anyone got a light wrap? Kind of chilly up here."

Lets check back in with the villain who's had a surprising little amount of screentime.  Sure he gets talked about, people seem genuinely intimidated by him, and most of the action revolves around his antics, but he's not seen much. Which is a shame, because I think he's the first movie villain I've ever seen with adorable braids.

And here's the climactic scene where our villain is defeated. Does our hero bravely swing his sword and outwit him?

Kind of...

 

He does fight  Rip Torn henchman, while Rip Torn drunkenly holds a child.

Our Beastmaster assumes everythings good and walks away.

Pauses, to take in the view then...

Sends a killer ferret to do it.

To recap, our brave hero hides during battles, harrasses women in trouble and sends animals to do his dirty work.  Hero worthy? Maybe for the 80s

That being said, its not like the filmmakers let this be the definitive statement for our hero's ambitions.  We were gifted with a sequel....

He comes to the 80s...where apparently a tiger does all of his dirty work.

No word on if these two made the trip or they branched out to form their own heroic crime syndicate...