FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION - Munchie (1992)

Oh, the horror of Munchie.  There are no words.

Sadly, that's not how a blog works.  So I will find the words to express the soul devastation that is Munchie.

Here's some trivia for you - Munchie is actually a sequel to a film called Munchies, proving that this film franchise truly did not care. About anything. Certainly entertainment wasn't on their list of priorities either.

Synopsis in a hurry - a couple of filmmakers who hated life in general ripped off E.T. and Aladdin, suckered Dom Deluise into voicing a character so creepy that its a wonder CPS didn't put a warning label on the VHS box.

That being said...here's some moments that made me question why we as humans are allowed to create art.

We open with a man disposing of a box with Munchie inside. If this movie had just been the two minutes of someone getting rid of Munchie's body, I would have been a huge fan.

Roll the opening credits. We stare at chattering teeth for a good three minutes. I felt ill the whole time.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

This is our film's hero. His name is Gauge and he has a lot of problems, so he shuts the world out and stares at women. His future as that guy you avoid at a Starbucks is secure.

Here is the object of his affection.  Its Jennifer Love Hewitt - before she started putting together Client Lists...

Gauge has a run in with the principal, which in his mind, looks like this...

Yes, Satan visits Gauge's subconscious on a regular basis. Or this is just Satan giving his seal of approval on this movie.

This is Gauge's mother...and Gauge's new Dad. He's great father material because he wears baggy 80s track suits...

 Jewelry AND a pencil moustache? How has no one swooped him up yet?!?!?!?

The new family dynamic is a little stressful, so Gauge naturally wanders off into the gates of hell...

Where this is waiting for him.

This is Munchie waiting for Gauge to join him in bed, thus cuing up the most disturbing scene in movie history.

Never mind. Munchie decided to sleep in Gauge's underwear drawer. The filmmakers shook off any doubts in their hearts and knew that there was no reason a parent wouldn't want their kids minds opened to this.

Kids, if you find a Satanic minion in a cave, just walk away. Otherwise, it will follow you to school.

I'm not sure which I felt ill at most. The fact that a porn scene almost happens....

Or that Munchie sat and watched it with his fluffy eyebrows.

Meanwhile, Gauge takes a shower....

And Munchie was waiting for him....I am convinced the filmmakers hate children or really anything that has the capacity to give love and receive it.

Case in point - this child was probably instructed to wear gym shorts, but insisted as being as clothed as possible on set.

Everything about this guy screams, "I'm not really a gym teacher."

Put a violin in this girl's hand, and you've got a good idea what I looked like when I was this age.

Gauge goes to a lonely professor who has a hoarding problem for answers....

And finds that Munchie's evil has spread throughout the centuries....

NO

WHY IS MUNCHIE NAKED?!?!?!?!

I sense the liver spotted hand of Roger Corman was behind this....

Is it the fact he has teeth that I find so unsettling? Is it the fact he went to a barber and said, "Give me the Hitler?" Or is it the fact that his eyes are huge and devoid of a soul?!?!?!

...but he throws great parties.

The band has "The Director owed us money, didn't have it, but offered us a part in the movie" written all over it.

New Dad is doing what the audience has been aching for this whole time - he's thrown Munchie into the trash.

Ever had that nightmare where you, and underage boy and a minion of Hell are taking a roadtrip together?

I did once and this was how I woke up from it....

Munchie makes the Jeep fly - I fantasized about it leaving the Earth's atmosphere and spontaneously combusting.  It doesn't happen, but I rarely get what I want in life.

Taken straight out of The Lazy Man's Guide to Comedy, there's two cops at a donut shop.

Everyone is okay with Munchie being in their lives. How did that come about? If the filmmakers don't care then I guess I'm off the hook.

This would not be the first time Jennifer Love Hewitt would have to grin through her teeth at the demands of a unattractive, smart talking, know it all gremlin...(Hollywood, amirite?!??!)

First airlines charge you for luggage and then they hire Munchie to fly planes. I'm officially over air travel.

FYI: This was just the second movie in the Munchie Trilogy. It was followed by...

Just walk away, folks. Walk away....




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