Given the absolute magic that was Xanadu and The Apple its understandable the appeal to create fantastical '80s musicals meshing fashion and sound, cartoon humor with knowing winks to the audience. So some filmmakers in Australia decided to try their hand at something everyone in the 80s was begging for - a big splashy rendition of the Pirates of Penzance.
The obvious observation out of the gate is giving this film the award for laziest title ever. We couldn't name it Pirates of Penzance? How did that producers meeting go?
Producer 1: Its called Pirates of Penzance and its a musical. People like both of those things, right?
Producer 2: People won't know what they're getting! We need to give it a more hip, more contemporary title! We're calling it The Pirate Movie until we think of something else."
At this point in my blog I give a quick recap of the plot. To this one, I say, if you have to ask, then this movie just isn't for you. You walk in blind and let it dress your brain up in ruffles.
The film doesn't try for seriousness, in fact it tries for lightheartedness in the way that surgeons try to save patients lives after near fatal car accidents. Basically, if you're not making a goofy face on frame, then you're not doing your job...
Maybe its just this movie was made in a different time, but there was some weirdly sexual scenes included that were played up for laughs. The '80s synth music just made it more upsetting.
The scenes start out innocently enough...
This scene also got the Ick Medal...
Maybe you're asking yourself, "So much dignity left at the door. How low could they go?"
Oh, they went low. Low, like the bottom of the sea.
*This infers that there's a songwriter who did a lot of illegal substances in hopes of touching the mind of God while creating these songs. This is never the way to do it.
...with scenes that couldn't have possibly happened, because there was no time in this film's timeline. Perhaps I am a stickler for the rules of space and time.
But none of this matters. You know why?
OR WAS IT?
And well done to the casting directors who picked the love interests to look like fraternal twins.
(uncomfortably shifts, stares at phone when realizes the implications of that reality).