Thursday, February 6, 2014

For Your Consideration: MAN OF THE HOUSE (2005)

Once upon a time, there was a mighty force of acting named Tommy Lee Jones.  He uttered the words, "I don't care!" to Harrison Ford with such deft and might that its been my favorite catchphrase, 20+ years strong.  There was his turn in Coal Miner's Daughter! No Country for Old Men! Lincoln! Captain America!

However, things weren't always so bright for Tommy.  He rode high on his Men in Black cash and then reality apparently was so bleak, that he took a little project called Man of the House.

Don't let the sunny smiles of early twentysomethings with bare midriffs fool you.  Its bleak.

Also, this should not be confused with this slice of 90s treachery....
The lesser Man of the house

For those of you who actually watched this movie for a plot, here you go...Tommy Lee Jones channels his energy from U.S. Marshalls into a romp where cheerleaders witness a horrifying murder and to protect them, he moves into their sorority house and inflicts his crotchetiness on them.  And then he marries a English professor.

We open seeing Tommy Lee Jones doing what he does best. Talkin' smack and wearing one too many belts.

Cedric The Entertainer makes the first of many unfortunate appearances. Judging from this film, it'd probably be best if we took the "The Entertainer" out of his moniker.

Because I was not entertained.

Moving on....
The girls witness a gruesome murder. Although to follow their eyelines, the blonde girls in the middle are looking at something not only further down the street, but also less concerning.

 The thing that I'm struck by the most in the film is just how everything about Tommy Lee Jones just screams, "I have given up."

A lowpoint in cinematic history happened at this point - Tommy Lee Jones and a doughy stereotype of a sheriff character oogled co-ed girls in a interrogation room.

The filmmakers would like you all to believe that girls in college sit on couches and stare blankly at older men.  Well, they're half right.

Dear God....

The look on Tommy's face pretty much sums up how I felt while watching this.

Fact: many college sororities have altars dedicated to the patron saint of Natalie Portman.

This was the one time in the movie where someone gave it their all, blindly and gleefully. It was almost as though they were tasked with telling the movie it was going to die but wanted to literally put the best face on it.

I just ask that there is no montage scene of Tommy Lee Jones participating in something like roller skating or being faced with unmentionables...

COME ON.....


It's gonna be okay, Tommy. You're going to go home and call the Coen Brothers.  Everything's going to be fine.

(pulls out Intervention style letter...) "Dear Tommy, your involvement in this movie has affected me in the following ways: I have forgotten that you were in better movies....."

And now for the real reason this movie was made....

Look at him, the poor man is just crying for help.

Ever been harassed by a bad movie? Now there's help. Spielberg's making a movie about Lincoln. You just have to accept the help that comes along.

Not for this man. The nails have been hammered into an unforgiving coffin.

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