THE LIAM NEESON EDITION - The Other Man (2008)

This week, Liam Neeson returns to our screens and our hearts to shout at people, wave guns and solve seemingly impossible mysteries.  Given his track record of high level excitement (Taken, anyone? That time he trained Batman, then almost destroyed Gotham? He released the Kraken!), I figured there had to be some other unknown gem of octane in the many folds of Netflix.

Liam once took down a Mexican cartel for pulling out daisies from his front lawn.

Here's the plot quoted from iMDb:

"In this taut thriller, a software engineer Peter (Liam Neeson) and the shoe designer Lisa are successful in their careers and have been happily married for twenty-five years. When Lisa is gone, Peter finds a message in her cellular and decides to snoop her e-mails and discovers in a secret folder named Love that she had a lover, Ralph. Peter travels to Milano and stalks Ralph; he finds that the man plays chess in a bar"

 A taut thriller involving shoe design, international travel and games of chess? Batten down the hatches 'cause its Neeson Season!

We open with a fashion show. This movie is going to be like Sudden Death...but with fashion.

You can tell, Liam's a caring family man and will take this whole place apart if anything gets threatened. Just a matter of time for this story to actually begin....

Okay,

 ...we have Liam doing some light housecleaning...

 ...we see him hold on to Laura Linney....

...and we see him checking email.

You can't accuse this movie of not being action packed. If your actions are limited to frittering away an afternoon. Which Liam does a lot in this movie. I'm sure the movie told me what he does for a living, I just never saw it.

 

Liam writes an email letting his wife's paramour know that she's no longer at this email address. Liam does not know that emails are not like houses. You simply do not move away and let someone else move in to it.

Its pretty disappointing to learn that he doesn't know how email works.

Skip ahead to the story where he goes to Milan to confront the man his wife, Laura Linney is cheating on with.  Let the chase and heartpounding action begin!

I've never been to Milan, but I've heard its a big city. Liam goes from Somewhere, UK to Milan in a day and automatically finds Antonio Banderas crossing the street.

Yep, this was the chase of the movie - a casual mosey across the street.

And then the two rivals meet and battle it out over chess....

The rest of the movie is a game of chess. Strap in, and forget the airplane. Because THIS is the non stop action you were looking for.

And flashbacks. Lots of flashbacks. 

Like, remember the time she made this face at you when you were telling her an anecdote of what you did with your day?

This might have been your first clue that she was moving on to someone else.

 

Someone who enjoys tranquil boat rides for example.

And that time Liam Neeson read a  explicit email from Antonio to his wife...to his daughter. Because this is how fathers and daughters bond?

Frankly, why isn't Antonio Banderas the action hero in this? He at least goes outside.

They like taking creepy pictures together. 

Remember that time when you just whispered vague emotional promises to each other and it was kind of dull? That's how I remembered it anyway.

Needless to say, the chess game doesn't go well. Antonio wins and in the first bit of action after about an hour, Liam throws the board on the floor in a fit of rage.

And then they take a walk together. 

Because this is what men do? Seriously, I'm asking.

After some more heartpounding chit chat, Liam sets off to go home, but his daughter has followed him here.

See that face? That's his "I'm going to get $%# done" face. Which is usually followed by action of some sort...

 Nope. Just moves directly into his exhausted "Emotional processing" face.

In the end, people were let go, people moved on, and Liam found a new bravery in moving on to a different part of the house to check emails and sort laundry. And Laura Linney moved on from this:

Which has to be by far, the creepiest picture you could ever take of someone. Liam would never do that to you.

NEVER. Because he will shut that DOWN.

For Your Consideration - ENDLESS LOVE (1981)

Here’s the most memorable moments from this film.  Also before I get into this, this movie did the one thing that no other Hollywood film has done – made me glad I didn’t date in high school.

So basically Brooke Shields and a moon faced guy who’s name I can’t remember are dating.  She’s 15, he’s 17.  She’s studying French, he won’t leave her alone.  So here’s the oddest moments in the film;

1.     Right away, moon face kid has stalked her on her class field trip to the planetarium.  She asks what would happen if she died. He says he’d die too.  I already hate this kid more than anyone I knew in high school. Also I discover his name is David.

2.     David  goes to a dinner party at Brooke Shield’s house. They dress like the cast of Ragtime and clearly shop at Pier 1.  Mom enters the room in a kimono.  

S He seems a little too interested in getting David’s thoughts on it.  I chose to ignore this as willful 80s ignorance.

3.     Their dinner party seems a low key event. Given this was 1981, I expected this family to break out the International Café in a variety of flavors.  Because that’s what I think happened in classy 80s dinner parties.

However, the party soon evolves into this….

…and then Dad gets in the act.  Please note the guy in glasses in the background who looks like he just wandered in the house to smell the seat cushions and wasn’t sure how to leave.

This is where I realize Brooke’s brother is played by James Spader.  Apparently he’s dating a singer with a band. Her name is “Cathy”.  She proceeds to sing “Endless Love”

I’d imagine now that she tries to tell people she was in “Endless Love” and she sang the song. But Diana Ross, she ain’t.

Mooney creepily stares at Brooke during the song.  

Please note the look on Dad’s face.  I’ve seen that look plenty of times on my own Dad’s face.  Usually  it was after I got marinara on the couch or he walked into the room while I was watching something like this movie.

After the party, Brooke tells David to go home.  Here’s his response….

Things were very different  back then.  Had this been my house, he would have had a can of mace and a German Shepherd to deal with.

So comes the big moment…..

And Mom heads downstairs and this is what she sees….

Mom just stares….

I hate this movie so much. I hate everyone in it.  I can’t decide who I hate more.

Mom’s still staring.

Okay, I hate her the most.

After that, David just apparently infiltrates himself into this family’s social activities. Like duck hunting.  Anyway, him and Mom have an awkward conversation about it.  And then this happens.

As promised, they go duck hunting.  James Spader shoots guns and is really good at it.  He has this line for David...

“Just because you’re f*&!@# my sister doesn’t make you part of the family.”

I’m just writing down that if we don’t see James hunting David with a gun by the end of this , then this movie has failed us in every sense possible.

David walks around Brooke’s house naked, proving that David is quite possibly the stupidest human being alive.

Should be noted, that Mom thinks this arrangement is fine. She is truly gunning for David’s title.

Brooke falls asleep in class a lot.  Quite possibly due to the fact that David is always naked and in her room.

This photo has nothing to do with the plot.  I was just fascinated by Dad’s odd glasses. Sort of Franklin’s failed invention of the no-focals.

David breaks into Brooke’s house at 230 in the morning to have sex with Brooke, thus completing this guy’s journey to crazy town.

Zefferelli went gangster on the  night sky imagery in this movie.  I understand he made this as sort of a homage to Romeo and Juliet, but it’s a little heavy handed.

David: “I’m going to name a star after you”.

And then I imagined Brooke getting one of those cheesy certificates, where you pay $40 to name a star.

Not that we needed to see it, here’s David’s “O-face”.

Here’s Brooke’s…. it looks like the face I make when I’m falling asleep during “Lord of the Rings”.

So after Dad catches David skulking away at 7 am, David’s getting banned from the house.

Also, Brooke is getting addicted to sleeping pills.  

Instead of David rethinking his life and where he wants to go, he seeks counseling from his peers.

Jeez, like this kid.  I wouldn’t trust this kid with parental relations if my life….  

            Wait a minute….

           

Tom Cruise is telling David about the time he set fire to his house to make himself look like a hero.  Getting a second opinion would just be stupid at this point.  So he sets fire to the house, gets the family out, promptly admits to doing it and gets sent to a mental ward.

Lesson here is don't take advice from Tom Cruise.

 So David spends years there, and sees visions of Brooke shields playing with her hair.  It upsets the inmates and his parents who are now getting separated because they’ve never learned love like David has.  If only Dad had set fire to a house, then David would at least have had a sibling.

I just liked this scene of David and a kid named Leonard…

“Get the f___ out of here, Leonard!”

I guarantee Leonard’s story would have been way better.

Mom and Dad bring David home (probably wishing they could have switched him with Leonard). He finds out the stacks of letters he sent Brooke never got to her.  Also, her parents have since divorced and Cougar Mom is now living in New York.   David’s had some time in the hospital to sit down and reflect on who the person he wants to be, so naturally, this visit shouldn’t be awkward at all….

Until this happens….

NO ONE HAS LEARNED A THING. I officially hate this movie and everything and everyone that was involved in making it.

Despite all of this, Mom convinces David to stay the night at her apartment.  He finds Brooke’s address.  She lives in Vermont. He’s got a plan. 

So far, this movie has promised me a Romeo and Juliet ending and James Spader hunting David in the woods with a gun.  Only one of those things will make me happy at this point.

While David is roaming the streets of New York (presumably searching for a touristy hat or getting tickets to see Avenue Q), he spots Brooke’s father and is new girlfriend.  He spots him and automatically jumps into the street to run after him. He gets hit by a cab and David dully stands over the body until the police come. So he leaves the scene of the crime.

Again, David, is the dumbest man alive. And proof that mental health care is woefully lacking.

Speaking of which, guess who shows up at David’s door

I understand that there are some people who have friendly relationships with their exes. However, I’m sure those people don’t laugh about the time their house got burned down or the time they were the cause of their father’s death over a 2008 Merlot.

David and Jade are not one of them and the conversation quickly turns miserable.

I should add that Brooke’s eyebrows are mind blowingly fluffy in this scene.

Despite the fact they’ve made up, James Spader is not willing to accept their love.  He disappointingly gunless in this scene as another reminder that sometimes in life, we don’t get what we want.

I think this is the only time I've ever rooted for James Spader. 

Should've brought that gun. 

The final scene is Brooke and her mother talking, reflecting on that scene where James Spader’s girlfriend ripped off that Lionel Ritchie song. They’re in the snow and crying and I’m reminded on how much I hate being a woman sometimes. And then I think about how despite Mom is trying to convince Brooke to move on and try anything, you can’t get around the fact that to her the phrase “Try everything” includes “Make moves on your daughter’s ex.”

We leave the movie with David stalking Brooke and then freeze framing on her. It makes no sense and I don’t know why.

So she’s moved on? Kind of makes the “endless” part of the title a moot point.

Here’s where I would have given this movie a thumbs up. A shot of James Spader holding a gun just a few feet from David.

For Your Consideration: MAN OF THE HOUSE (2005)

Once upon a time, there was a mighty force of acting named Tommy Lee Jones.  He uttered the words, "I don't care!" to Harrison Ford with such deft and might that its been my favorite catchphrase, 20+ years strong.  There was his turn in Coal Miner's Daughter! No Country for Old Men! Lincoln! Captain America!

However, things weren't always so bright for Tommy.  He rode high on his Men in Black cash and then reality apparently was so bleak, that he took a little project called Man of the House.

Don't let the sunny smiles of early twentysomethings with bare midriffs fool you.  Its bleak.

Also, this should not be confused with this slice of 90s treachery....

The lesser Man of the house

For those of you who actually watched this movie for a plot, here you go...Tommy Lee Jones channels his energy from U.S. Marshalls into a romp where cheerleaders witness a horrifying murder and to protect them, he moves into their sorority house and inflicts his crotchetiness on them.  And then he marries a English professor.

We open seeing Tommy Lee Jones doing what he does best. Talkin' smack and wearing one too many belts.

Cedric The Entertainer makes the first of many unfortunate appearances. Judging from this film, it'd probably be best if we took the "The Entertainer" out of his moniker.

Because I was not entertained.

Moving on....

The girls witness a gruesome murder. Although to follow their eyelines, the blonde girls in the middle are looking at something not only further down the street, but also less concerning.

 

 The thing that I'm struck by the most in the film is just how everything about Tommy Lee Jones just screams, "I have given up."

A lowpoint in cinematic history happened at this point - Tommy Lee Jones and a doughy stereotype of a sheriff character oogled co-ed girls in a interrogation room.

The filmmakers would like you all to believe that girls in college sit on couches and stare blankly at older men.  Well, they're half right.

Dear God....

The look on Tommy's face pretty much sums up how I felt while watching this.

Fact: many college sororities have altars dedicated to the patron saint of Natalie Portman.

This was the one time in the movie where someone gave it their all, blindly and gleefully. It was almost as though they were tasked with telling the movie it was going to die but wanted to literally put the best face on it.

I just ask that there is no montage scene of Tommy Lee Jones participating in something like roller skating or being faced with unmentionables...

COME ON.....

MAKE IT STOP....

It's gonna be okay, Tommy. You're going to go home and call the Coen Brothers.  Everything's going to be fine.

(pulls out Intervention style letter...) "Dear Tommy, your involvement in this movie has affected me in the following ways: I have forgotten that you were in better movies....."

And now for the real reason this movie was made....

Look at him, the poor man is just crying for help.

Ever been harassed by a bad movie? Now there's help. Spielberg's making a movie about Lincoln. You just have to accept the help that comes along.

Not for this man. The nails have been hammered into an unforgiving coffin.