Friday, December 6, 2013

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Beverly Hills Madam (1986)

Folks, there's nothing more than I enjoy than over the top 80's grandeur that fits neatly in a TV screen, which Beverly Hills Madam has in spades.Champagne in chilled decanturs! Bejeweled shoulder pads! Floor length furs! Sheer white nylons!

So put on your best fluffy slipper pumps and strap in.

Actress extraordinaire Faye Dunaway IS the Beverly Hills Madam and she runs a tight ship. She employs the blonde from Bosom Buddies, Flash Gordon's girlfriend and...wait for it...Robin Givens.  Time to enjoy that chilled Shasta soda.

We'll not only watch and see the trials of running a top Beverly Hills escort service, but we'll also see the career trajectories of these girls.  One's got the seniority, one's fresh off the wagon, one's in school and one's black.  This movie has layers.
We open on Lil Cummins. She's fierce, she goes shopping, she wears color coordinated separates.
She has lunch with her most experienced show pony, who's come with some bad news. She's getting married and out of the game.  I immediately recognized her

from one of my all time favorite movies....

Dale Arden from Flash Gordon? After he conquered Mongo, did they realize it just wasn't going to work out? Is that why she works for Faye Dunaway?

Meanwhile this fresh faced kid has just come to LA. She's lost and upset. So naturally....

Faye Dunaway's recruitment skills are amazing. She'll happily take you to the Sunset Strip and give you an aggressive sales pitch at the same time.

Seriously, its impossible to walk down the streets of LA WITHOUT being offered a job.

Meanwhile, we have Robin Givens being scoped out...
Its stressed that the Beverly Hills Madam does lots of background checking before handing her girls off to them. You have to - there's a lot of creeps out there.

Any second thoughts?
Eh - he's probably fine.

Let's say you've been in the high class prostitution industry for awhile and you meet someone in high class society...

A slight occupational hazard is your fiancee introducing you to someone you've already slept with.

"Look, in the six weeks that we've known each other and gotten engaged, she would have surely said something!"

Weirdly, I think LEGO Friends makes this exact same playset.


Robin Givens isn't just a high class prostitute. She's got DREAMS.
Also, I like this arty shot of us looking in a reflective mirror at a girl who doesn't know that despite her potential for greater things, it just ain't gonna happen.

Meanwhile in the City of High Class Failure, Flash Gordon's girlfriend deals with life's disappointments by seducing a delivery guy from a liquor store.

Since when do liquor stores do deliveries? What kind of magical time was the 80s anyway?

Faye Dunaway's idea of a job orientation is to send her to Captain Kangaroo lookalike for personal evaluation. This movie found itself a new bottom in the Creepster Basement.

Flash Gordon's girlfriend comes to beg for her job back despite being broken hearted and a budding alcoholic. Thankfully, Faye is in a good mood and happened to be rehearsing for her role in On Golden Pond.

She's ready to go back to work. I know she is, because she keeps a liquor bottle next to her makeup.

Its makeover montage time!
She doesn't know it but Julia Roberts is taking notes on this performance. The notes being "Make any face but this."

Wait, one of the girls is pregnant?Who saw that coming?!?!?

Also, I didn't know the dress code of the 80s prostitute was "Second Grade Teacher."

The new girl has her first job - some father hired her for his son who just turned 18.

Aaaaaaaand this movie just went down in the Creepster Basement and discovered another flight of stairs going even further down.

If you had asked me to describe a Beverly Hills madam's bedroom, I would have never guessed something out of a JC Penney catalog. So many frills and plaid.

"Wait a second - I'm having sex for money?!?!? But that's just cheap and degrading! Why didn't anyone tell me!"

"What? A guy who is using me for my body might not treat me well? Well, this is just unexpected!"

Flash Gordon's girlfriend comes back with a vengeance and wrestles power away from Faye Dunaway becoming the new Beverly Hills Madam. The last thing we see is her answering the phone and booking girls that she doesn't have, given that the ones on staff have all quit over creative differences, gotten pregnant or murdered.

Faye just stared into the mirror and saw her career sliding away...quietly into the night as if her Oscar nomination never happened.

"My sister? My daughter? How did it go again?"

 Beverly Hills Madam - thank you for teaching me on how to live and love again.


  1. Watched this today. Hilarious campy fun.

  2. This movie rocks! Watched it on the Decades channel today. SHOULDER PADS, GREAT HAIR, SEX.