Thursday, November 14, 2013

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Gabe, The Cupid Dog (2012)

Its been awhile since I've posted, which means we are long due for anotherentry in the "Animals Who Talk But Looks Terrible On Film" category, but when I saw the movie artwork, I couldn't say no to it....
After all, the dog has human eyes. I was kind of hoping it was a person trapped in the body of a dog, and the only way it could be set free was by getting a human to fall in love with it to break the spell. But that's not what happened.  And as in the case of A Talking Cat?!?! its not even the same dog that was in the movie.

Instead, there's a dog who's owner is moving to London, something about a secret identity of a famous author and the dog sniffs out women.  There. Whatever visuals you just had from reading that sentence were probably better directed and acted out than what was in this movie.

You may ask yourself, "Hey, I hear this movie is directed by Michael Feifer. After seeing this, I might be interested in his other works..."

He is responsible for this...

The man enjoys dogs, I'll say that.

Also this...

Just do what the dog says, and no one gets hurt. Or at least thrown in the river only to be found weeks later.

So here's the best moments from the film.

Meet our hero - he sits at a desk and stares at his computer a lot, which is apparently what journalists do. He is bland and vague and the most interesting thing about him is that little dragon thing sitting on his desk. He is not a serial killer.

From here on, the director decided we wouldn't truly be in the moment without uncomfortably tight close ups on his subject matter.
This is Gabe.  Look at him.


(at this point he might be a serial killer.)
This is Eric's coworker.  The camera loves him enough to be pushed into a  super close up.

This scene involves Gabe the Dog creeping up on a unsuspecting ginger girl and stealing her bikini top in hopes of her falling in love with his owner Eric. Even if I hadn't consulted this directors IMDB page first, I would have wondered if he had ever lurked inside the mind of a serial killer based on this shot alone.
We all knew this wasn't going to go well, and I suspect this girl was cast in exchange for giving the director her phone number.

Family friendly film or episode of To Catch a Killer? You decide.

This shot did not help me in my concerns that someone was about to die in a really ugly way.

This is the face that says, "Her head would make an excellent addition to my collection."

"Hey girls, I'm making a movie right now. I can't pay you, but if you're willing to put on these bikinis, play with a dog and then meet me in this large manhole thats in the basement of my house, then we should have some fun." - Michael Feifer.

Stop with the extreme close ups.  The camera clearly does not love this man's face.  They're barely even friends.

Now that Eric has graduated from staring at his neighbor Sara through the narrow slats on his fence to actually talking to her in a safe zone that's the appropriate 100 feet from her house, we can really see the chemistry between these two go off.

Eric and Sara do go on a sort of date. She brings her kids and he brings them to a man who carves dark and disturbing death masks outside.

Eric seems the only one who's entertained by it.

Honestly, I wish this movie had been about this sassy receptionist.  It would have been called, "Shirell, the Talking Receptionist" and I would have been happily watching that.

It should be noted that Eric is journalist.  However, Eric spends a lot of time not chasing down stories.  Just wandering around an office with a shovelface and not know what is going on. Thank goodness there's a dog.

At one point, Gabe fakes an injury and gets Sara and her kids to rush him into the emergency room.  I should note here that if you're rushing, you need to bend your knees to run.  None of this tiny shuffling with your legs tightly together business. Its like this is Sara's first day in movement.

I've been to the vet plenty of times, but I do not recall ever posing with the entire staff with a couple of patients thrown in for extra ambience.

Just FYI, Gabe was fine, but the movie never told us where Eric hid the bodies. Chances are the director answered those questions in what was his next film....

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